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Tuesday, September 30, 2003
And then my head exploded Every once in a while, I abandon my generally positive opinion of humanity, and start thinking that maybe a culling is in order. Today, this nihilistic mood has been brought to you by Dakeysha Lee of Jacksonville, FL. Why? It seems that Ms. Lee was sentenced to do some time in jail. Not unusual in the overall course of human events, right? Except she had a 2 year old child. She told no one that said child was at home alone when she went to jail. Instead, she just left the kid for 3 weeks. At home. Alone. The kid survived on ketchup, mustard and dried pasta. Yes, survived - after 3 weeks, the little girl's estranged father began to call bullshit on Ms. Lee's claims that their daughter was staying with neighbors, so he went over to check. He found her laying in a baby bath and covered in ketchup, malnourished but alive. I frequently suffer from feelings that I'm a bad parent - I lose my temper, raise my voice, have unreasonable expectations, and have been known to use the TV as a babysitter. I feel bad about all of that. No matter how bad I feel about my parenting skills, though, I'm Dr. Benjamin Fucking Spock, Mike Brady and Cliff Huxtable all rolled into one supremely confident and skilled parenting package compared to people like this ... person... in Jacksonville. I am unwilling to be rational about this - that woman needs to have this child taken away, and she needs to be prevented from having any more children until such time as she can prove she's not going to do shit like this again. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:12:00 AM   | Interesting list Bruce Sterling, author and futurist, has composed a list of the Top Ten Technologies That Need To Die. It's an interesting list, although I strongly disagree with his belief that manned spaceflight needs to be shelved. That has to wait until some time AFTER i get into orbit for a trip. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:25:00 AM | Monday, September 29, 2003
Dumbasses among us The owner of an Austin strip mall won't let tenants sell animal products or poison insects. Jean Daniels of Houston owns the Tarrytwon Shopping Center off Windsor in Austin, and as a member of PETA, she's made her tenants sign contracts agreeing to abide by her weird-ass rules regarding animal products. When ants infested the mall, she refused to allow exterminators to be called, instead mandating that her tenants "relocate" the ants. The businesses have been steadily leaving the place, so with any luck, the Invisible Hand of capitalism can shut down this whacknoodle and render her destitute. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:41:00 AM | Sunday, September 28, 2003
Some progress Getting everything all set up at spittlefleckedrant.com. I should have something up by Friday at the latest. Eventually, I'll have my canonical SF lists and a whole page of swashbuckley goodness up there, too. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 6:40:00 PM | Saturday, September 27, 2003
| Souls for sale At We Want Your Soul, you can get an immediate valuation on your soul, as well as an estimate on how many people are more pure than you. My soul is worth £14789, and I'm purer than only 39% of the rest of the world. Thanks to Adam for this link. No, not me. My Evil Name-Twin in the UK. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 6:26:00 AM | Friday, September 26, 2003
Friday Five Merideth wondered: Everything starts somewhere. Five things that are such an integral part of your life, you can't believe someone else introduced them to you. Curse you, Merideth! This is a real ball-buster of a topic. The major integral parts of my life I picked up myself (Hi, Melissa!). I'm going to have to step down to things I really like in order to complete the topic - please forgive my digression, but I'll try to make it a worthwhile detour. (1) Comic books. I got my first comics when I was about 5. My father's younger brother was clearing out his old stuff from his parents', and he gave me and my brother a huge pile of old Justice League, Shazam and Superman comics. We're talking some good Silver Age stuff. Comics that my brother and I trashed, left out in the rain, spilled milk on, tore apart as we fought over them, threw them on the floor - prompting my parents to throw them away to clear the mess. Thinking back, I'm sure that most of these were not valuable. I tell myself that, repeating to myself that there is simply no way that anything by Jack Kirby could have been in that box of comics, right? Sometimes, I believe it. Most times, I just go away and weep quietly to myself. Those comics prepared me for the day that my brother came home from the store with a copy of Uncanny X-Men #118 by Chris Claremont and John Byrne. I haven't looked back. (2) Stevie Ray Vaughn. In 1990, I moved in to an apartment off Ponce DeLeon in Atlanta with an old friend, Beau Hall. Beau was going through a divorce and needed a roommate, I had outstayed my welcome at Scott's then-house, and there was no way in hell I could afford my own place on what I made at the book store. In addition to being a talented visual artist, Beau was (and is) one of the finest musicians I've ever known. He turned me on to the music of SRV that summer, just in time for me to be absolutely devastated when Stevie Ray Vaughn died on Auguist 27th of that summer. (3) The novels of Edgar Rice Burroughs. Tarzan of the Apes. Carson of Venus. Pellucidar. John Carter of Mars. For my 11th birthday, my Aunt gave me a set of 3 books - A Princess of Mars, The Gods of Mars and The Warlord of Mars. The first 3 of ERB's novels set on the dying planet of Barsoom, home of the savage 4-armed Green Martians, the noble Red Martians and so many other mysterious and ancient races. If I could live on a fictional world, it'd be Barsoom. Tarzan, the tarmangani child raised by Kala and Kerchak came next. Burroughs wrote very purple prose, and his racial sensibilities were sadly right in line with his era, but he created worlds that made you want to go to them. (4) Role Playing Games. In 1980, my best friend Paul Ott showed up at my house with a blue box in his hands. "Check this out! It's a game where you can pretend to be a hobbit or an elf and fight dragons, like Smaug!" We sat down and read through the rules for Dungeons and Dragons, and created our first characters that afternoon. I've got the stats of my oldest character, Dethlok the Barbarian, memorized. I don't play D&D any more - I've moved on to GURPS and Unknown Armies, but gaming is still a major part of my life. I volunteer for Steve Jackson Games, I go to gaming conventions and try to stay awake 72 hours straight so I can get in maximum gaming time, I look at the world through gaming colored lenses. (5) Robert Graves. When Melissa and I started going out, she loaned me a copy of The White Goddess, Graves' brilliant (but utterly incorrect) book describing the worship of the archetypal mother-goddess in the ancient world. From there, I went on to Graves' analysis of the Greek myths, I, Claudius and Claudius the God, King Jesus and, of course, his poetry. As an archaeologist of myth, legend and ancient religion, Graves was a brilliant poet. As a poet, he was a step above that, IMO. Other F5 participants are: Will, Gord, Dave, Adrienne, Colleen, Chris, Craig, Melissa, Gina. Welcome Gord and Adrienne! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 4:45:00 AM | Thursday, September 25, 2003
Another addition to the circus... Adrienne Martini has a blog now, martinimade. Read it. She's also a regular at austinmama.com. Damn fine writer. I'm planning to stalk her when she gets a book published and goes out on tour. Shhhh! Don't tell anyone! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:56:00 AM | What kind of person Googles my site? The kind of person that Googles the word bugfucker. FYI, I'm #2. Let's all work to make me #1, OK folks? posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:39:00 AM | Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Why I hate the Repugnicans I had a much longer rant written, but the computer crashed and I lost it to Shub-Internet. Curse the Beast of a Thousand Processes. May he choke on spam. According to Ed Gillespie of the Repugnican National Clavern, campaigning for Gay rights is religious bigotry. I am so fucking sick of hearing this canard - "Whiiiiiinnnnnne! Your intolerance of my intolerance is hurtful! Whiiiinnneeee!" Cry me a fucking river, assbag. You're using a twisted interpretation of a document written 3000 years ago by nomad shepherds as a reason to deny human beings their basic rights. Sick fucks like you used that same document to justify slavery 150 years ago. You can't screech your sick, twisted hate and then expect to hide from criticism behind the Constitution. You come talking that shit near me, I'll likely decide that it's worth a fine and jail time for assault just to shut your sick ass up. You come to my door to talk it, I'll treat you as a hostile trespasser and forcibly eject you from my property. Savvy? posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 7:24:00 AM | Tuesday, September 23, 2003
The BBC comes through for me I've long maintained that cartoons aren't bad for kids, in moderation. The classic Bugs Bunny and Tom & Jerry cartoons, violence and all, are not a trigger for violent acts, nor do they teach children unacceptable means of resolving conflict. Now the BBC has done a study and determined children easily distinguish between make-believe violence and the real shit. What on TV freaks kids out the most? The news. I'm not the only one that's been saying this, though - Gerard Jones wrote an excellent book about it called Killing Monsters. This means you idiots at the Cartoon Network can stop editing out the bits where Wile E. Coyote smacks into a brick wall at 300 mph now. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:06:00 AM | Connecticut Solves Problems of Crime, Hunger, Man's Inhumanity to Man!!!! Well, maybe not, but it's the only logical reason I can think of for the state government to work to end the practice of lap dancing in strip clubs. Now, I'm a big fan of the lap dance. I don't regularly go to strip clubs, but I do enjoy the occasional overpriced beer combined with rapidly shaking artificial breast implants. Nothing perverse about it - I just like naked women, and am not averse to having a beer and a low-priced, high-quality steak dinner while I observe them. I'm not a scientist, nor am I an expert on social planning, but I can think of quite a few things that are higher priorities than lap dances. Connecticut is projected to run a $102,000,000 budget deficit in 2003. Reducing the budget deficit will no doubt be accomplished, as always, on the backs of poor people. While schools are gutted, while the working poor lose health insurance, while people are out of work, the government of Connecticut is devoting time to ending the horrible crime of hot chicks wriggling their asses in guys' laps. Fuckin' brilliant. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:59:00 AM | Monday, September 22, 2003
HUZZAH! Melissa called - the boots have arrived. Now if I can get my hands on a cutlass, I've got 75% of my Hallowe'en costume assembled. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 3:41:00 PM | News Flash Yoga will NOT protect you from shark bites. A behavioral scientist had convinced himself that his yoga training had enabled him to trick sharks into thinking he was a fellow predator, rather than prey. While standing in waters in the Bahamas (waters which had been baited with cut up fish to attract sharks), he was ripped into by a 350-lb bull shark. Bear in mind that bull sharks are regarded as generally placid, unless provoked. Amazingly, this idiot survived, although he lost a whole lot of blood. Fortunately, the Discovery Channel caught it all on film, and will be aired next weekend. Don't you just know his family is so proud of him they could bust? I know my folks'd be proud to see me immortalized on TV doing something so bone-ass stupid as standing in chummed, shark-infested waters counting on my breathing to keep me safe from attack. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:24:00 AM | These dipshits just don't understand what they're doing... The Earth Liberation Front released huge amounts of soot and other pollutants into the atmosphere as they did $50 million worth of damage to an apartment complex in San Diego. Yep, it's a Bad Thing to pollute, except when you're doing it to protest people polluting. That's almost as stupid as the PETA idiot that wrote a letter to Arafat protesting the use of a donkey in a homicide bombing in Israel. See, this crap is why I get so pissed off at fringe political groups. I include Operation Rescue, the Aryan Nations and the Army of God in this. Fuckin' STAY ON MESSAGE!!!! It doesn't do any good to call the Jews and the Blacks subhuman if your grammar and punctuation is below that of a 3rd grader. If you're going to claim to base your politics on the Bible, make sure you pay attention to that verse that states, "Thou shalt not kill." It'd behoove you to check out that bit about "Let he who is without sin among you cast the first stone" as well. If you're a member of PETA, I expect you to avoid not just meat, leather and suede, but to also forgo the use of medicines, shampoo and soap, as all of those are tested on animals. Fortunately, I embrace my inconsistencies, and I'm not particularly vehement about anything except that I hate idiots. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:49:00 AM | Sunday, September 21, 2003
Damn. That's more thought than I've put into movies for a long-ass time. Curse you, Craig! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:54:00 PM | interesting film comment I'm not a tremendously introspective film viewer - my criteria are (a) "Did I enjoy the movie, or was I aware of how tired my butt was of sitting there?" and (b) "Do they have Junior Mints at the concession stand?". A movie was enjoyable, and worth watching again, or it wasn't. Granted, there are movies that shoot off the scales at both ends - Moulin Rouge was beyond a great movie, for me, while Attack of the Clones was such utter shit that I wished the guy that gave me a ticket for free could get his money back - but by and large, almost all movies fall into the "Yeah, I'd watch that again" or the "Naaaah, think I'll go take a nap instead" categories. Craig devotes a little more time and thought to his movie viewing than that. In his current post, his discusses a genre called "The Magical Black Man" genre. He draws on some other commentary I've seen on this genre, but I can't help thinking that all the folks that comment on this are missing something important. Hollywood doesn't make movies because there's any kind of message they want to send. The producers at Paramount, Dreamworks and Universal could give a shit about whether or not they're striking some resonant chord in the psyches of their viewers. They care about one thing: Will this movie make money? That's pretty much it - oh, there's a token movie or two that are guaranteed to lose money but garner some awards that'll give the producers something to put on their mantlepieces, and of course if you go by their accounting (and were foolish enough to sign for a percentage of the net profits), they never actually make money, but it's really all about the Benjamins, baby. Folks pay money to see Will Smith in a movie. Marketing has something to do with it, but if folks stop lining up to see Ben Affleck movies (Gigli, anyone?), they're going to make fewer Ben Affleck movies. A new Flavor will make its way into the theatres. The "Magical Black Man" genre is ill-defined, and this makes it difficult to actually determine what is or isn't part of it. The African-American cast in the movie may be male or female, supernatural or not, old or young, retarded or a genius, gruff or affable... you remember those pamphlets your folks got when you were in high school, and they listed all the characteristics of a teenager on drugs, like "moody", "withdrawn", "wants to sleep late", "rebellious" - such a broad range of poorly-defined symptoms that every single teenager on the face of the planet was cramming drugs in every available orifice (as well as some new ones) 24/7? That's what we've got here - if a movie has a mixed race cast, it's about MBM. I fin dthis difficult to swallow. I'm well aware of America's weird attitude towards issues of race - my parents were actively involved in the Civil Rights Movement, and between their stories and my own experiences, observation and study, I know that as a society we're really uncomfortable with our past, as well we should be. When a screenwriter tells a story about a black man teaching a town about acceptance, he's telling us something about our society. Some writers tell it better than others, and some directors and actors interpret those words better than others. "And, behold, there are last which shall be first, and there are first which shall be last." - Luke 13:30, KJV 50 years ago, it wasn't easy for movies about race to get made. When a town needed to embrace Otherness, it was a poor but proud family, or a deaf man. Today, we're a little more comfortable with discussing race. We're OK with Morgan Freeman playing God, with Will Smith as an action hero, with Halle Berry as a romantic lead. We're not 100% OK with it, though. That means we still want to see stories that make it easy for us to accept otherness. Cuba Gooding, Jr. is familiar, and we can sympathize with him. We can see his character struggle against prejudice, and we can feel better about ourselves when we walk out of the theater. We may go on being utter shits to each other outside the theater, but you can't blame that on movies, man. I don't think the "MBM" genre, if there is such an animal, is a real problem. I don't much care if it exists, as long as any movies that are part of it that I see are worth watching. If "Radio" is entertaining, I'll watch it. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:15:00 PM | I'm trying to add a poll feature, but it's just screwing up my format. You'll let me know when I've crammed too much shit on here, right? posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 6:15:00 PM | Saturday, September 20, 2003
Miscellaneous news & stuff I have been informed that I am no longer allowed to talk like a pirate, as it's annoying to some people. I was also informed at work yesterday that I was under no circumstances allowed to offer to "shiver the timbers" of coworkers, nor was I allowed to organize a mutiny in the office. Bastards. Just wait 'til next year. YAAARRRR! In other news, Spain fired the first shots in the coming war between the surface dwellers and the giant squids. And you thought monkeys were a bitch to deal with. Hah! Scientists in Venezuela have discovered the fossil bones of one big-ass guinea pig. We're talking in the 1500-lb range, here. Gaaaah. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:03:00 AM | Friday, September 19, 2003
Avast, ye scurvy whoreson lubbers! It be the Friday 5! Aye, me hearty sea dogs, it be I, Cap'n Black Sam Flint here celebratin' International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Today's Friday 5 topic be mine, and here it be: What be yer favorite ports o' call? Where would ye want to hoist a mug'o'rum, were ye given a large pile 'o' booty to finance yer stay? There be many places that a crusty old sea dog like meself would be wantin' to hoist a mug'o'rum, but the top 5 be as follows: (1) London - Aye, it were many years ago I were in London town, and barring my narrow escape from the clutches of Jack Ketch at Tyburn fer some small matters of differing interpretations o' what it means to be a privateer instead o' a pirate, it were a pleasant voyage. Arrr, it were a wonderful trip, and I deirved some especial enjoyment from the booty at yon British Museum. That, me hearties, as well as the pubs, although they had no grog and I were forced to make do with Guinness and ale. (2) Paris - Now, lads, Cap'n Flint must be honest wit' ye, and say I never been to Paris, as the Seine be too shallow to float me ship, The Rotten Bastard. Somethin' in it call's to me though - aye, the wine, the lasses, the hustle and bustle of life on the Left Bank, following in the steps of Picasso and Sartre... plus, o'course, the opportunity for plunder! Arrr! (3) Montreal - I been there 3 times - the St. Lawrence be easily navigable to the Rotten Bastard - and it be another town full o' good grub, fine grog and many beautiful wenches. The Cap'n'll tell ye that the winds in the winter there be harsh, and not fer those of ye wit' thin blood. Aye, it be colder'n the brass balls of an iron monkey. (4) San Francisco - It be the home of Emperor Norton, a man for whom the Cap'n has a tremendous respect. The acounts the Cap'n's heard from his mates have convinced him it be a good place to visit. The Cap'n's also heard he should go to some place called by ye lubbers "Castro Street" for the music and dancin'. Tell me, do they know how to play a jig on yon hornpipe there? (5) Libertatia - It were a pirate republic, me hearties! Arr, it were a thing o' beauty. Some day, the Cap'n'll sail the Rotten Bastard back there, to share in his plunder wit' his mates, to pour the grog until it runs dry and to lounge about on yon beach until he be baked to a nut-brown hue (while usin', o' course, all appropriate sunscreen remedies as recommended by the Surgeon General). Arrr! The other bilge-rats participatin' in this endeavor be: Captain William Bonney, Dirty Davy Kidd, Iron Charity Bonney, Mad Morgan Read, Chris, Craig, Cap'n Bess Read, Dirty Anne Flint and Gord posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 6:40:00 AM | Thursday, September 18, 2003
Well, that utterly failed to come out as clever as I imagined While online today, I noticed a charge on our account from Dragon's Lair, our FLCS. We've got a copy of Endless Nights, Neil Gaiman's return to the world he created in his excellent "Sandman" series, on order, and I thought that Melissa had gone by during her running around today to pick it up, meaning she'd get to read it at least twice before I even saw it. No fair, I think. I'm gonna give her some shit about it, I think. Feeling clever, like I'd performed some really difficult detective work, I called her up and asked, "Did you think you were going to get away with that? Did you think I wouldn't find out you'd bought that?" "Bought the boots?" "No, the comic. I know you went to The Lair and picked up Endless Nights." "No, I didn't." "Oh. Er, what was that about the boots? Did you buy those boots I wanted?" Cold pause. "Yes, I did. It was going to be a surprise. Happy late birthday." Long pause. "So you didn't buy Endless Nights?" "No." "Then the charge I saw from The Lair in our account?" "Probably from your comics run last weekend." "So you bought me those boots?" "Yes." "I screwed up the surprise, didn't I?" "Yes. Yes, you did." I'm too clever for my own good sometimes. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 2:43:00 PM | Reminder Tomorrow is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. I'll be expectin' ye lubberly dogs to wrap your mouths around some properly piratical lingo, savvy? posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:00:00 AM | Searches that led to this blog Now with page rankings! reptoid plan – Google - #4 john denver alcoholic – Google - #12 pirate translator – Yahoo - #25 chu chu cachu – Google - #10 transmetropolitan download free – Google - #110 crossbow plan – Google.lt - #131 Mrs.Cecilia Mark Aku – Google.nl – 31 violently decisions – Google - #14 Susan Weddington be better served by impartial judges than by highly – Google - #2 "paul delbene" – Google - #7 "english to pirate translator" – Google - #21 Ninja slope plan – Google - #13 Chuck Taylor Converse Timeline – Google - #14 "sharmoot wa iftahy" – Google - #6 Some people are REALLY determined to find every scrap of information about their search topic - why on Earth would you go through 130 other sites to find out about how to build a crossbow? posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:59:00 AM | Wednesday, September 17, 2003
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 3:37:00 PM | Some new whacknoodles OK, so I was initially going to post about the monkeys that have moved into the presidential compound in Kenya, but that was before I found some real fucked up whacknoodles. WHY NASA AND THE SATANISTS ARE GOING TO IGNITE JUPITER. I shit you not, folks. They've been granted an exact timeline detailing when and how the antichrist is coming. Granted, the timeline on their web page is 2 years expired, but it's still an exact timeline. Our old friends the Illuminati, the Masons, the Satanists, the House of Rothschild and the Black Pope (is that like the Black Moses? Is Isaac Hayes involved in this somehow?) have teamed up with "Rock 'n Roll" to bring this mystical confluence about. Once Jupiter is ignited by the detonation of the non-explosive plutonium isotopes in the Galieleo probe, it will turn into a star despite the impossibility of such an occurence, because SATAN WANTS IT TO HAPPEN. The the Antichrist will arise, yadda yadda yadda, Liberal Protestants, yadda yadda yadda, Isaac Asimov, yadda yadda yadda, persecute true Christians, blah blah blah (sorry, folks - the websaite got a little tedious, so I kind of skimmed forward from there), North Korea, blabbity blabbity, riots and unrest blamed on the Religious Right, natter natter, Rapture, smargitty shmegitty - it gets kind of predictable, and they seem determined to crib from the New Testament, despite all the wonderful NEW kook theories out there. I'll give them an A- for Alarmism, a D+ for originality and 10 bonus points for including Isaac Asimov and Madeline L'Engle. The comforting thing about religious nutjobs is that they're kind of predictable. You always know there's going to be an antichrist, and that it's the fault of those dman liberals, with their Evil beliefs in tolerance. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:39:00 AM | Some new toys I've added an RSS feed, which does something. I've also added a guest map down on the left hand side - feel free to add yourself to the map. Coming soon, some software that will hypnotize you and make you part of my Invincible Zombie Army. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:38:00 AM | Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Gord issues a smackdown Here's why I call Gord the smartest Canadian I know. On his blog, he's posted his response to some intolerant college-age snot's flawed argument against Gay Marriage. Yep, Gord rawks on toast. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:37:00 AM | The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You And not in a good way, Governor Assbag. This is a follow up to my recent Spittle Flecked Rant about redistricting. Seems the Repugnicans couldn't stand being observed by hundreds of protestors, so they called a recess. When the 10 heroes (Let's not forget that Senator Whitmire chickened out and came back to town) that blocked redistricting staged an impromptu rally on the Senate floor, the Repugnicans turned off the sound system. Folks, don't forget to keep bothering Governor Assbag about this. In fact, let's not use his name anymore. Let's just call him Governor Assbag, and see if we can spread the meme. If you feel like writing Lt. Governor Dingleberry encouraging him to adjourn this farce, do so. Remind him that if it's OK for the Repugnicans to redistrict on a whim, it's OK for the Democrats to do it too. We established during the smear campaign against Clinton that outing Repugnican hypocrites made them cry like little bitches, so I wonder if the Repugnicans can really take what they dish out? I'm betting they can't. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:59:00 AM | Monday, September 15, 2003
Study Math, Kids "But what good will algebra ever do me? Why should I learn all those dumb equations? I'll tell you why - so you can go to MIT and learn how to count cards. Some MIT students got millions of dollars out of Vegas casinos over a period of several years. A pretty elaborate project, but a fun way to apply math. Of course, the chickenshits that run the casinos have banned the students for life, now. It's just not kosher to actually beat the house. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:36:00 AM | Sunday, September 14, 2003
Frickin' Asswipe Law Enforcement Read it and weep - USA Patriot Act increasingly used on common criminals. I'm blaming the prosecutors more than the police here, but all it takes is a few bad apples. Makes me feel all warm inside about being an American. Dammit, we're better than that. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 5:51:00 PM | Saturday, September 13, 2003
APTWG, DVVXOMR LWAKVL SVLUVLQV, O TVBOTVT O YPNXT OMTNXRV ZG BLNVX YKOZQ WMT ROUV GPN WXX W BLGSAPRLWZ AP QPXUV. TPM'A YPLLG! O'UV OMBXNTVT W XOME AP WM PMXOMV BLGSAPRLWZ QPXUVL. OA'Q LORKA KVLV. DVVX DLVV AP BNLQV ZV WXX GPN YWMA.APTWG, DVVXOMR LWAKVL SVLUVLQV, O TVBOTVT O YPNXT OMTNXRV ZG BLNVX YKOZQ WMT ROUV GPN WXX W BLGSAPRLWZ AP QPXUV. TPM'A YPLLG! O'UV OMBXNTVT W XOME AP WM PMXOMV BLGSAPRLWZ QPXUVL. OA'Q LORKA KVLV. DVVX DLVV AP BNLQV ZV WXX GPN YWMA. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 5:39:00 PM | Friday, September 12, 2003
Welcome to my Hell I stocked it all by myself! General asshats, Libertarians PETA Members, Creationists George Bush, NAMBLA Members Uday Hussein Scientologists River Styx Qusay Hussein River Phlegyas Saddam Hussein Osama bin Laden Republicans posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:19:00 AM | "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, design a building, conn a ship, write a sonnet, balance accounts,build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve an equation, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert A. Heinlein Melissa wonders: What do you think are the top 5 things that every adult should be able to do? (1) Cook. I'll accept anything from "Open a can of soup and heat it in the microwave" to "Make Iron Chef Sakai weep in jealous frustration". It's part of being able to take care of yourself. I think able adults that refuse to learn how to fend for themselves are big, fat babies. (2) Fight. Fight with words, fight with your fists - just be able to stand up for yourself. Know the consequences of being in a fight, both winning and losing. Understand when the best strategy is to walk away from the fight, and when it's best to plow in and engage in Righteous Ass Kicking. If you can combine this one with #4, you get bonus points. I know how to use a sword, so I get bonus points. (3) Kiss. It's an art form, and it's a damn fun one to master. It's my firm belief that those folks that simply passively accept a kiss are not people at all, but some evil kind of fish-human hybrid, and should therefore be shunned. If more people in this world were better kissers, we'd spend more time having sex, and that couldn't be bad at all. This one'll be accepted on the Honor Code, unless Melissa is OK with me initiating a nationwide testing program. (4) At least one archaic or esoteric skill. It could be weaving or flint knapping or any of a million other skills that we never need in our day to day 21st Century lives. Know how to do something no one else around you does. Understand some small part of what our ancestors had to go through to survive. (5) Use a hammer. You never know when you might need to put a picture up, fix a fence or crucify the King of Kings. Amazingly, some folks can't get this right. Some tips: (a) Hold the hammer at the END, not under the head. (b) SWING your arm to hit the nail, don't try to shove the nail with the hammer. (c) HIT THE DAMN THING HARDER - IT CAN'T FEEL PAIN. Other Friday 5 Bloggers: Dave, Will, Merideth, Colleen, Chris and Gina. Stole this from Will - Heinlein Index Change a diaper - Oh, yes. (+1) Plan an invasion - Logistics is the key - yes (+1) Butcher a hog - Done it. (+1) Design a building - Yes. (+1) Conn a ship - Yep (+.5) Write a sonnet - Done it (+1) Balance accounts - Yes (+1) Build a wall - Many times (+1) Set a bone - If I have to, but I'll throw up afterwords. (+.2) Comfort the dying - Yes (+1) Take orders - OK (+1) Give orders - Can I give myself higher than 1? (+1) Cooperate - Yes (+1) Act alone - Of course (+1) Solve an equation - Slowly, and with much cursing. (+.3) Analyze a new problem - Yes (+1) Pitch manure - What kind? Chicken, cow, horse? (+1) Program a computer - Slowly, and with much cursing. (+.1) Cook a tasty meal - Damn straight (+1) Fight efficiently - Wanna find out? (+1) Die gallantly - We'll see one of these days, I'm sure. In the meantime, I've taken the liberty of preparing several possible dying speeches for different situations. (+.5) Heinlein Index = 84 posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:37:00 AM | Thursday, September 11, 2003
Wouldn't it be cool... If I had a device that could generate infrasound? Gotta figure out how to make one of these, so I can instill fear in door to door salesmen. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:44:00 AM | Public Service Announcement I will not be engaging in a maudlin reflection on the events of 9/11/01. I be neither crowing about our stellar progress in the War on Terror nor lamenting our failures to date. Something amusing will be posted later this morning. That is all. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:12:00 AM | Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Bwah! The Wave Magazine interviewed 6 candidates for Mayor in San Francisco, and gave them the Voight-Kampff Test used in the movie Blade Runner to detect replicants, androids attempting to pass as human. Read the article here - one of the candidates spotted it immediately, the others were oblivious. Hah! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:02:00 PM | Spittle Flecked Rant You may or may not have read my rant about redistricting in Texas in June. Democrats have twice stopped the attempts by Governor Assbag to gerrymander Texas congressional districts at the behest of The Bugfucker from Sugarland and Karl “The Douchebag” Rove by denying the Repugnicans a quorum in the House and Senate. Governor Assbag has called ANOTHER special session to address this CRISIS THAT SOMEHOW FAILS TO SHAKE THE VERY FOUNDATIONS OF OUR DEMOCRATIC SOCIETY. These "Special Sessions" of the Texas Lege have so far cost us Taxpayers over $4,000,000. Another one will cost in the neighborhood of $1.5-2 million dollars more. Bear in mind that this redistricting non-issue is because Repugnicans refused to compromise with Democrats in 2001 when it was time to reapportion congressional districts in Texas. The Lege couldn't agree, so it went to an impartial panel of judges. At the time, Repugnicans thought this was a good idea - "Texans will likely be better served by impartial judges than by highly partisan legislators desperately attempting to maintain political power." said Susan Weddington, Chair of the state Repugnican Party. "It would be a waste of taxpayer money (to address redistricting in a special session)." stated Governor Assbag at the time. This was when Texas had a BUDGET SURPLUS. Texas is currently cutting health care to pregnant women, cutting state employee benefits and reducing funding for education. How the FUCK does it make sense to waste money now? Please, use the link and contact Governor Assbag and let him know what you think of redistricting. I'd advise against calling him Governor Assbag, but use your best judgement. Those of you in a position to do so, try and make sure The Bugfucker from Sugarland doesn't get back to Congress next election. (I'm looking at you, Chris and Shannon) God, I wish those fuckwits would get rectal cancer or something painfully appropriate like that. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:52:00 AM | Another Blog of Interest about pip is about an expatriate Brit living in Stockholm, grooving to being a new dad. Check it out. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:27:00 AM | Well, this is certainly an upbeat prediction A warning about the supervolcano under Yellowstone Park. I'm somewhat skeptical about this, but it still makes for disturbing reading. This guy predicts up to a 600 km radius completely destroyed (that's roughly a circle centered on Austin and stretching to Brownsville, Lubbock, Norman, OK and Lafayette, LA) based upon what geologists have been able to determine about the eruption there 600,000 years ago. But don't panic or anything. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:47:00 AM | Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Shameless plug Melissa's latest column is up at austinmama.com. Check it out. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:49:00 PM | And my Pirate Personality is... The ITLAP Day website I referenced below has a pirate personality proifile test. I took it, and discovered: You are The Cap'n! Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not. What's Yer Inner Pirate? brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:22:00 AM | Fun with the kids Drew wants to be a pirate for Halloween. Franny wants to be a Princess. Drew's suggested that I could be a pirate as well, and Alec could be a parrot. After discussing this, Drew, Franny and I spent the morning before I left for work talking like pirates, and then the two kids went in the back yard and discovered some treasure, which I suppose they'll bury. Makes this a good time to remind you scurvy dogs that September 19th is INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY. They even have a handy English-to-Pirate translator, as the folks at Alta Vista can't be arsed to add that to their already impressive BabelFish system for some odd reason. I was informed by me lookout, Pirate Franny, that me pirate name be "Captain Fluffy". Arrrr. It sounds like a prelude to mutiny, but I'm prevented by law from keelhaulin' the wee beauty. It's a taste o' the TIME OUT for her, it is! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:18:00 AM | Monday, September 08, 2003
It's not too late to run away and join the circus... And you can get trained at Florida State University. Of course, you'll need a lot of training to be as good at it as my old college friend, Paul DelBene, who really did run away and join the circus. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:00:00 AM | Sunday, September 07, 2003
This was a bad idea in high school, it's even worse on TV This article details the new fall schedule for British TV channel 4. Apparently, some network programmer thought a show called "14 Alone" would be a good idea. The premise of this show is that 10 14-year-old boys and girls are locked up in a house with a film crew. Think back to when you were 14. Think about it... good. Yes, I see tragedy, lawsuits and awful TV coming, as well. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:01:00 PM | Saturday, September 06, 2003
Format troubles Julie, I'm sorry. You were right - my blog is somehow screwed up so that my posts do not resize to fit the browser window, which makes for annoying reading. I'm working on it. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 7:30:00 PM | Friday, September 05, 2003
And now I'm seeing red... US House of Representatives grant selves 2.2% pay raise. Because $154,000 a year isn't enough goddamn money for them. Because the fact that millions of Americans are out of work somehow escaped their minds. Because they want to make sure they're in the right tax bracket to fully benefit for President Chimp's tax cuts for the rich. It'll be interesting to find out who voted for this and who voted against it. Fuckin' assholes. Wish they'd go play with some firecrackers... posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 2:03:00 PM | Think of it as evolution in action Australian dipshit blows a hole in his own ass with a firecracker. I thought it was a no-brainer to avoid sticking lit firecrackers between your butt cheeks. It's nice to know that I can revise downward my opinion of humanity in general. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 1:58:00 PM | Friday 5 "I suppose you could say that everyone has an El Guapo. For some, shyness may be an El Guapo. For others, lack of education may be an El Guapo. But for us, El Guapo is a large ugly man who wants to kill us!" - Lucky Day from the Three Amigos Dave came up with this topic - what are your top 5 El Guapos? (1) Attention Deficit Disorder - I've been dealing with this all my life, and I still haven't beaten it. It's incredibly difficult for me to focus on things, especially if they're not bright, shiny things. This includes, unfortunately, intense discussions with The Woman I Love (Hi, Melissa!) about The State Of Our Marriage. It also includes meetings and conference calls. If things don't hold my interest, I get bored. When I get bored, I make Bad Choices, such as making faces at the VP of the company during an all-hands meeting, or ignoring the other participants in a team meeting in order to spin my chair around as fast as I can. (2) Bad Temper - Those that know me know that I can go from calm to apoplectic in 3 seconds flat. I'm much better now at controlling my temper than I was, but it's probably my biggest worry about myself, that I'll really lose my shit one day and give myself a heart attack. (3) Depression - Like #2, depression frequently comes along for the ride with folks with ADD. I take Welbutrin for my depressive episodes, and will get back into therapy Real Soon Now. I'm on top of the world at this time in my life, especially compared to about 9-10 years ago, which was the darkest period of my life. I spent about 2 years depressed, angry and alternating between drinking way too much and calculating how fast I'd have to be going to crash my car into an overpass support pillar and kill myself. Bad times, not going to go there again. (4) Idiots - People that own't think for themselves. Folks who get their political knowledge from talk radio and other Idiotarian venues. Creationists, UFO nuts, and conspiracy theorists also fall into this category. Note that WINGNUTS and WHACKNOODLES are different from idiots - Idiots don't add anything new to the mix, but just spout out the same tripe they're spoon fed. Wingnuts and Whacknoodles take a crazy idea and turn it up to 11. The guy that thinks the New World Order is poisoning us with chemicals spread through jet contrials is an idiot - I can find that shit all over the damn web. If he thinks that the NWO is spraying the chemicals to kill the Invisible Cloud Creatures to help the Antarctic Space Nazis, he's a Whacknoodle. If he adds photoshopped documents to his website, he's a Wingnut. (5) Antarctic Space Nazis - I'm currently building a website, complete with photographic proof, detailing the ASN plot to take over the HOLLOW EARTH with the aid of DERO and REPTOID CLONE-SLAVES. This information has been beamed to me by the ENLIGHTENED SEERS OF SHAMBALA, using their MUVIAN TECHNOLOGY to impart THE TERRIBLE SECRET OF SPACE. The ASN are led by HITLER'S SEX-MIDGET and can only be stopped by PREVENTING THE POLE SHIFT!!! Other F5 participants: Will, Merideth, Colleen, Melissa, Chris and Gina. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:50:00 AM | Thursday, September 04, 2003
Some very welcome news Just found out that "Firefly", Joss Whedon's critically acclaimed SF series, will be a movie. According to reports, Universal Pictures will be making a feature film with Whedon. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 1:50:00 PM | Why Technology and Consumerism are Good Things We're frequently exhorted by conservationists to live more like our ancestors. An idyllic vision of a peaceful, nature-friendly paradise is sometimes conjured up as a part of these exhortations. "If only we could live in harmony with nature, like the Native Americans did before the white man." I've always been more of the opinion that technology is our only salvation, and being able to put a price on things like clean air and water makes it more likely we'll value it. Let's look at some of the arguments for a more primitive lifestyle. (1) It's better for the environment - If we live a simple, uncluttered existence, we'll respect nature more, and treat our animal brothers with respect. Bzzzzt. Try again. For thousands of years, the natural world was viewed by mankind (with good reason) as being a force that was at best unconcerned with humanity, at worst actively working to kill us all. In the Americas, while there is no direct evidence to support this hypothesis, it is an intriguing coincidence that roughly the same time humans are belived to have crossed over the Bering land bridge, large fauna in Noth and South America began to go extinct. Jared Diamond, in Guns, Germs & Steel, points out that factoid, along with similar correspondences for Australia. Dr. Bobbi Low in 1996 published a study (summarized here) that the correlation between low environmental impact of primitive societies is due more to low population density and technological factors than any cultural respect for nature. (2) It's better for us - Considering that it's only with the improvements in lifestyle given to us by the Industrial Revolution and literacy that we've been able to develop or discuss such concepts as "human rights", "democracy" and "environmentalism", I'd say that were we living a more primitive lifestyle, we'd be more likely to engage in slavery, cannibalism and constant low-level warfare. We live longer, live healthier and are more productive than at any time in our past. (3) There are too many of us anyway, and we're straining the resources of the planet - Bullshit. Ever notice the folks that say that generally live in the West? In the US, we're talking a maximum of a little over 1000 people per square mile in the most densely-populated state (New Jersey). This argument has frequently been used by racists to justify their desire to keep non-whites out of industrialized nations, but that's not why it's bogus. Western farming techniques provide more food, and better quality food, than Third World subsistence techniques. Better education leads to lower birthrates - if we send our daughters to school, they know they've got better options than Baby Making Machine and Prostitute. More people living a Western lifestyle (education, access to technology, etc) will give us more prains to put to work to solve our problems. While it is true that the Earth's resources are finite, it's also true that (a) there's still a hell of a lot out there and (b) out there will in all likelihood begin to include the Solar System within the next century. My preferred argument against this, though, is simple: Let's say the Earth can support about 100,000,000 human beings as hunter-gatherers. What do we do with the 5-6 BILLION other people? Are you willing to volunteer to remove yourself from the teeming masses? (4) Do we even need all of this dehumanizing technology? - Yes. Yes, we do. Maybe not every single bit of it, but if we suddenly stopped using the technology that we take for granted, economic disruption would be the least of out worries. We can't live without technology now. From the sterile tools used at birth to the vaccines we get in childhood, to the tractors that plow, plant and harvest our food, the power plants that send electricity humming along to our schools, hospitals and grocery stores, we as a culture cannot survive without technology. Technology is a mixed bag - on the one hand, it's given us pollution, toxic waste and the movies of Pauly Shore. On the other hand, we live longer, we don't bury half of our children before the age of 5, it's routine to live well past the age of 70. We can't clean up our messes without technology, and we can't figure out how to prevent new ones without it. (5) We're moving towards a homogenized culture that is sterile and bland - The jury is still out on this one. Yes, McDonalds and Starbucks are all over the planet now. Western culture is all over the place, and satellite TV means that almost everyone on Earth has access to David Hasselhoff TV shows, but it works both ways. Go into any decent sized city in America, Britain or Canada - you'll find a bewildering array of choices for your dinner - from Abyssinian to Persian to Zambian, almost every ethnicity is represented. Western culture is inherently cosmopolitan and consumer driven. This means that there will always be a demand somewhere for things like West African tie-dyed fabrics, Asian dinner condiments and the like. Our musicians routinely cherry pick the best sounds and traditions to incorporate into their music. We in the West have an amazing concept called the hobby - we have the free time and disposable income to learn Xhosa, or try to translate Etruscan, or record the indigenous folk tales of rain forest dwellers in Sumatra. Somewhere, some other person is looking to buy what you're selling. Look at eBay, or World Market - the success of those two alone is reason to doubt the blandification of the Earth. Our culture is driven to seek out the new and to make it part of us. We're kind of like the Borg, except we're not as creepy, and we don't just assimilate, we blend. So don't lament our world, celebrate it. Fight to make it better, certainly, but understand that however bad it is now, it's a damn sight better than the world of a Russian serf in the 18th Century, or a Persian slave - hell, your life is probably better than the lives of most medieval kings. Our goal should be working to ensure that everyone in the world has our standard of living. That means push for representative governments, education for women and respect for human rights. The next time you meet an engineer or a scientist, give 'em a big hug and say, "Thanks! Thanks for helping make the world a better place!" They'll probably run away from you, and maybe call the police, but the important thing is to let them know they're appreciated. That way, they'll maybe work a little harder to invent antigravity machines. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:39:00 AM | Wednesday, September 03, 2003
*blink* *twitch* According to ABC News, someone has given the New Testament a teen-oriented makeover, complete with relationship advice, quizzes and top 10 lists. It still skews rather conservative, of course, like almost all Christian pop culture. So, it's OK to dumb down the Bible, but attempts to place its words in a context meaningful to our current civilization (vastly different from that of those bronze age shepherds & nomads) are A Bad Thing? posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:27:00 PM | Tuesday, September 02, 2003
When I rant, people listen It appears Disney is shutting down their animation studio. After my short anti-Disney rant, the head honchos at Disney realized the futility of their efforts to micromanage quality animation, and decided to shift their resources towards supporting Pixar. I have powers beyond your comprehension, foolish mortals. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 2:57:00 PM | The course of True Love is never easy Gotta feel for this kid - Italian boy hitchhikes 1200 miles to visit girlfriend in Sweden to find she's dumped him. Don't you hate it when that happens? posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:55:00 AM | More blogrolling! Ray, a member of my gaming group, has a nifty little livejournal. Share and enjoy! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:38:00 AM | Monday, September 01, 2003
Back in the saddle again Back in the cubicle, rather. Got a nice, easy start back at work following 3 weeks of leave to be with Melissa and Baby Alec. It doesn't look like they've changed any major rules, and I remembered all my passwords. Someone did move all my action figures around, but it looks like no one broke any this time around. My stash of snacks was untouched, so the cubicle vultures seem to have missed my absence this time around. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:40:00 PM | |
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