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Friday, October 31, 2003
Halloween So, what's your costume? I'm still going with the pirate (I'll be a pirate that had to leave his weapons at home, due to travel restrictions in our post 9/11 world). posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 3:52:00 PM   | Craig asks us this week: The biggest advantage to being a teacher is the time off in the summer. Yeah, the annual salary isn't the best, but I get two friggin' months off a year! Not to mention two weeks for Christmas, a week for Thanksgiving, Spring Break, and other assorted days off. If you were paid for two months of not going to work, what are five things you would do with your time off? I'll set aside dull realities (get a second job to pick up extra cash, stuff like that) and instead post what I'd like to do. (1) Do the summer con circuit. Dragon*Con, San Diego Comics Con, World Con, Gen Con, Origins - I'd hit all the major, national SF/comics/gaming conventions. Gaming limited only by how long I can stay awake, authors' panels, just hanging out and savoring the joys of fandom (bearing in mind that FIJAFH). (2) Spend a month or so excavating fossils. Drew and I are already planning this for when he's older - he and I both really love dinosaurs, and the thought of getting to participate in work like this really appeals to me. (3) Go really, seriously in-depth into something. Fencing, martial arts, sewing, chinese cooking - spend 2 months doing nothing but learn one thing that I can't do. There are some heavy-duty in-depth language courses the State Department uses that depend upon full immersion, and that really appeals to me. If I'm in a situation in which I can't use any language except the one I'm learning, I think I'll learn better. (4) Sail. I love sailboats (Melissa and I both suffer from an aching desire to sail on a tall ship), and I'd like to be able to just sail a sloop around on the Caribbean. The odds are only 60/40 that I'll hoist the Jolly Roger and "go on account", as it were. (5) Design a game. I started on a game a little over a year ago, and found that I had somehow tapped into the zeitgeist, and that my co-designer and I were building something similar to a game just released. I'd like to be able to work on either a couple of card/tabletop games I've got kicking around or on designing an RPG to support an urban fantasy gaming system. Other F5 participants are: Melissa, Adam, Merideth, Will, Chris, Gina, Dave, Craig, Gord, Adrienne, Nanette, Marvin, Rob and Laura. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:35:00 AM | Thursday, October 30, 2003
Will you please take a fucking chill pill? Naomi Wolf takes the opposite tack from Andrea Dworkin, but a tack that is ultimately as divorced from reality, in her article decrying the deadening of male libido for real women by pornography. Why is porn such a big deal to folks? As a man who has, on occasion, used pornography, I can testify from personal experience that I am neither a sex-crazed rapist incapable of letting a woman say no, nor am I focused entirely upon porn to the exclusion of flesh-and-blood women around me. Porn is not some demonic influence, it's pictures, movies and stories about naked people doing interesting things to each other. You may or may not like porn, that's your prerogative, just like some folks don't like comic books, and others can't stand to watch science fiction TV. If you don't dig it, don't do it. A nice, simple formula, that. I've always viewed the negative obsession some folks have with porn as kind of twisted - it makes you wonder how big their porn collection is, an what kind of sick shit they're into. What makes someone so obsessed with the thought of other people enjoying themselves that they've got to go out and piss all over their wheaties? Why can't consenting adults look at porn made by/with consenting adults without fuckin' psycho nutjobs trying to bust up the party? The young women who talk to me on campuses about the effect of pornography on their intimate lives speak of feeling that they can never measure up, that they can never ask for what they want; and that if they do not offer what porn offers, they cannot expect to hold a guy. The young men talk about what it is like to grow up learning about sex from porn, and how it is not helpful to them in trying to figure out how to be with a real woman. - Girls, you've gotta ask for what you want, just like women throughout the ages, or you won't get it. Same goes for guys. If you want your partner to touch you there, in that way, you use your goddamn mouth and ask them to. If you're getting sex tips from porn movies, you're as stupid as someone that gets driving tips from The Fast and the Furious. I do also wonder why it's only straight men that are at risk - no one seems to care if gay men look at too much porn, nor is it a matter for worry if straight women or lesbians peruse it. No, it's only straight men that are so weak-minded that they become slavering rapists or deadened automatons if they so much as glance at a picture of a naked woman. Feh. I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I think I'm doing just fine, and don't need Naomi Wolf to look out for my moral development. Thanks for the link, Jon! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 2:45:00 PM | And a new funny link The Chicken Hawk Database. Dig it - it's got info on how every one of the right's "best and brightest" (using the term loosely for our Chimp-in-Chief) managed to somehow avoid serving in the military during a time of war. "Born to Kill/Not to Serve". Bwah! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:43:00 PM | I It seems that Erich von Daniken is not, in fact, dead. Nope, he's still peddling his racist "ancient astronaut" theories, now at a theme park in Interlaken, Switzerland. What's racist about the theory that our ancestors were helped by dudes in UFOs? Oh, don't get me wrong - it's not overtly racist, much like what we hear out of the Republican party, but it displays a pretty strong contempt for the intellectual abilities of our ancestors. At least, those of 'em with dark skin. Those Egyptians? No, it's IMPOSSIBLE that they could have built the Pyramids, because those pyramids are sooooo big, that their little minds couldn't conceive of anything like architecture, or engineering. Same goes for the large structures in Tiahuanaco, or Cuzco, or Tenochtitlan, or Baalbek, or just about any other location you can think of in Africa or South America. Chartres Cathedral was built without alien help, as was Stonehenge, as were the temples in Malta, as were dozens if not hundreds of other impressive structures in Europe. I won't even go into the idiocy of aliens that are content to scratch huge drawings in the dirt in Peru, fuck around building pyramids and sinking Atlantis (or what-the-fuck-ever-else they're supposed to have done so long ago) but can't be bothered to teach the germ theory of disease, or representative democracy, or the fucking scientific method - that last one alone would've made the painful climb from the stone age to today a little less awful. Our ancestors faced a daily struggle, and managed to still build some of the most amazing edifices ever, structures that are, in many cases, still standing today. They clawed their way from nomad savagery to our modern, high-tech savagery, and didn't care who they killed or maimed to get there. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:38:00 PM | Well, my apologies for the loss of all of your comments I've finally had it with Ennetation - the server is slow, it frequently loses comments, and I'm overall displeased with it. Here's a new comments feature. Enjoy. If you've got the time, please go back to all previous entries you've commented on, and recreate your original comments to the best of your ability. Thanks! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:02:00 AM | Wednesday, October 29, 2003
Oooo-kaaaaaay Amanda at Human Oddities and Mishaps posted this quiz. I'm not saying that it's inaccurate, but it told me I should consider the following costume:  You should be a Bunny! What Should Your Halloween Costume Be? brought to you by Quizilla Garcia, you can shut yer friggin' pie hole RIGHT. NOW. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 4:52:00 PM | Daaaaaaamn, that's one stoopid motherfucker Poaching this one from Jon at Weird is Relative. Seems some asshat was complaining about having difficulties signing the back of his new credit card, so he posted a pic of it to an internet forum. The only problem? His card number, expiration date and verification number were all visible. Fucking moron. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:41:00 AM | Happy Birthday, Laura It seems that today is the birthday of Laura, author of Green Boogers. I have ordered the universe to refrain from destroying itself as a birthday present. Please forgive the lack of wrapping paper - I was in a rush to get a present, and I think our lack of death via stellar explosion is really enough of a gift, don't you? posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:43:00 AM | Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Well, I certainly hope my blog was able to help you, whoever you are According to Google, this blog is the number one recommendation when you're searching for the words "how to get rid of labia minora cystic". Wonder if this was the same person as the "Catherine Zeta Jones gynecology magazine" google freak. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:53:00 PM |
Thanks, Ray! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:26:00 AM | Monday, October 27, 2003
This is my kind of prank It seems that someone went into a forest in Indiana and put a number of large boulders up in trees. No clues have been found indicating how, when or why it was done. This has led to a range of explanations blaming everything from tornadoes to nearby blasting to UFOs. Looking at the photos, I'm pretty sure that with an aluminum ladder, some rope and a couple of friends, I could duplicate that. But, of course, a simple, logical explanation like that couldn't be it - it's gotta be those damn aliens, giving us an important message. Probably something like, "We're the dumbest aliens ever! We've crossed thousands of light years of interstellar space, and we're too stupid to even get us some sweet brownhole, opting instead to put rocks in trees. Really, you Earthlings are better off not being a member of any Galactic Federation idiotic enough to let us join." posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 3:43:00 PM | Cogito Ergo Blog I could write something that explains why I do, or I could point you to Gord's blog for something that explains it better than I ever could. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 6:56:00 AM | Another Friday Fiver Laura, of the witty and quirkily charming Green Boogers. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:04:00 AM | Sunday, October 26, 2003
We're baaaaaack Long drive, rough weekend. Funeral. That's all I feel like saying about it right now. A shout out to Julie and Bethany, who took care of the pets. You guys rawk! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:59:00 PM | Saturday, October 25, 2003
Out of pocket over the weekend I'll be away from my computer over the weekend, but I'll leave you the following to chew on until I get back Sunday: 
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 6:17:00 AM | Friday, October 24, 2003
In happier news... ESPN.Com has the details on the Cubs/Sox World Series from the Alternate Universe. I want to live there. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:35:00 AM | Well, that's just peachy It seems the US Senate craves da bling bling. Yes, once again, they have managed to forget to cancel a cost of living increase they were scheduled to get. Damn, I wish I could set things up that way - tell my boss that I'll get a raise every year, unless I decide I don't need it. Too fucking bad they can't get any damn thing else taken care of, but they'll have more goddamn money. I tell you what, I hope they get mistaken for a shark by Erik the Red. That'd be some fuckin' comedy gold, man. And you can't blame me - I voted for the other guys in the last two Senate races. It's all on you Republicans and your fuckin' majority. This means you're not the solution, you're the goddamn problem. So fuck you. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:33:00 AM | Friday 5 Dave ponders: I've been reading a lot about Neurology lately, and the rhythm's behind our thought processes. As if by fate, I came across this article yesterday that sums up one of the most insidious kinds of mental loops we all fall into. They're known as earworms. "Earworm" is the term coined by University of Cincinnati marketing professor James Kellaris for the usually unwelcome songs that get stuck in people's heads. Since beginning his research in 2000, Kellaris has heard from people all over the world requesting help, sharing anecdotes and offering solutions. "I quickly learned that virtually everybody experiences earworms at one time or another," he said. "I think because it's experienced privately and not often a topic of conversation, maybe people really long for some social comparison. They want to know if other people experience what they experience." So, what are the top 5 "earworms" you've faced in your life? I've always heard it referred to as "Earwigs", but what the fuck do I know? I'm not some pansy-ass marketing puke in Cincinnati. But, Dave's got a good topic. I'll rate 'em from least to worst. This will help those of you seeking songs to trump Earwigs you've got stuck in your head. (5) "Georgie Girl", by The Seekers. This one's a sneaky devil - it'll hide out for a while, until you think it's gone, then it hits you again. (4) "I Love you/You Love Me" by Barney. Man, I hate that goddam purple dinosaur. (3) "Jesus Loves Me" - This one is really bad, not for religious content, but because when it plays back in your head, you can hear the kids singing it out of tune. The horror! The horror! (2) The theme to "THe Beverly Hillbillies" - The mad skillz of Flatt & Scruggs just add to the evil of this tune. (1)The theme to "The Dukes of Hazzard" - The fucking kryptonite of Earwigs, man. Knocks anything else out of your head right-fucking-on-the-spot. Other Friday Fivers include: Melissa, Merideth, Will, Chris, Gina, Colleen?, Craig, Gord, Adrienne, Nanette, Marvin, and Rob. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:21:00 AM | Thursday, October 23, 2003
You'd think I was asking for roasted human flesh or something... I'm furiously working to make my first non-sucky, non-last-minute Halloween costume in at least 15 years, and I'm so close it's painful. Pirate boots - check Pirate shirt - check Pants - check Cloth to make dashing sash and piratical head scarf - check Cutlass & a brace of pistols - No Luck I've gone to every toy store from Toys-R-Us down through Wal-Mart and the small, hip local stores. I've even hit a couple of army surplus stores, but no one I can find in town sells those toy flintlock pistols that were frickin' ubiquitous when I was growing up. At Toys R Us, I was told in no uncertain terms that, "We do NOT sell toy guns!." The staff at hip local store I went to today treated me like I was asking about the best variety of heroin to give my kids. Granted, the guy at The Quonset Hut was darn nice about it - he didn't have them, but could order them for me, and I've already decided I'm going back to his store to buy a new boonie hat and perhaps a surplus field jacket. Those of you in Austin should also patronize him, because he's a cool guy and has a cool store. I'm continuing my search, and I'm determined to have what I want by Halloween, because posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 4:52:00 PM | Wednesday, October 22, 2003
I'm telling everyone now After reading up on the sad case of Michael and Teri Schiavo, I want to make it clear that if I go into a vegetative state and there is no REASONABLE chance of recovery, PULL THE FUCKING PLUG. Teri Schiavo went into a coma in 1990 after her heart stopped. She'd made her wishes on this matter clear to her husband, but her family decided that her wishes, and those of her husband, didn't matter, and have engaged in a years-long campaign of harrassment, legal attacks and sleazy innuendo to prevent her moving to her final rest. They've enlisted the help of Randall Terry of Operation Rescue (a man I sincerely hope dies a horrible, painful, lingering death), as well as Governor Jeb "Who gives a shit about the kids?" Bush, and got the legislature to force a law "saving" Teri from finally being allowed to die through at the last minute. For Christ's sake, you asswipes! The woman is effectively dead, and has been for 13 years. Her body is still there, but that's all. I'll say it again: if there's no reasonable hope for me, don't leave me hooked up to a machine. Let me die, take the insurance money and throw one big-ass "Hoopla! Adam's Kicked The Bucket!" party, with strippers, beer, live music, performing monkeys, synchronized nude skydivers or whatever else tickles your fancy. Trust me, I won't care. I'll be dead. No, this does not mean you have my permission to speed things up. I still plan to live a long, long time so I can dance on the graves of all of my enemies. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 2:21:00 PM | Trying this one again A Florida man died with a 4 inch fish in his mouth. I honestly can't decide if I want to know more about this or not. On the one hand, it's weird enough that I want to know more, but on the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'll just get my suspicions confirmed that this guy was a hard-core dumbass and then I'll get depressed because I'll start thinking about how many more hard-core dumbasses there are out there, and the miniscule odds of any of them ever getting within jumping range of a kamikaze fish. There was an extended ramble about a summer I spent near the location of this... tragedy... , and I'll eventually recreate it, but right now I'm still pissed off at blogger. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:11:00 AM | Goddamn shit-licker BLOGGER!!!!!!! I just spent about 20 minutes writing an entry, and when I clicked "submit", the fucking operation timed out and it is now lost forever. Fucking asshole crap-ass software. Fuck fuck fuckitty-fuck fuck fuck. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:02:00 AM | Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Confession is good for the soul Or something like that. Go here to enter anonymous confessions. Thanks to Jon at Weird is Relative for the link. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 3:00:00 PM | Some words for our Republican friends... "When I find a man who is not willing to bear his share of the burdens of the government which protects him, I find a man who is unworthy to enjoy the blessings of a government like ours." - William Jennings Bryan posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 2:02:00 PM | Ow. Everybody be nice to Rob - he's got ryggskott, which is not, as I thought, anything at all like lutefisk, nor is it the capital of Iceland. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:42:00 AM | People I've lost If you happen to find them, please mail them back to me. (1) Paul Ott (2) Trey Lackey (3) Tabetha Jaske I'm sure there are more, these ones just happened to pop up in my memory today. Please be sure you've got the right one before you mail them to me, as I won't pay shipping for the wrong person. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:20:00 AM | Do as we say, not as we do.... Corporatemofo.com has a list of the top 10 Dumb-Ass Corporate Lawsuits of 2003. Included is an amusing (and revealing) bit about Ted Nugent, who had a concert cancelled in Muskegon, MI (Lo, how the mighty have fallen! Bwah!). Seems that Ted got in trouble for talking about "n*ggers" and "g**ks" on the radio, prompting the City fathers to think that, just maybe, they didn't want him at a community concert. Nugent claims that this "damaged his reputation and career". Bwah! Ted, your career was already in the shitter, and you've done more damage to your own reputation than anyone else could possibly do. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:26:00 AM | Monday, October 20, 2003
Sunday fun! It's not that I want to sell my children to the Gypsies for real, but there are time's I'd like to make some kind of time-share arrangement. LIke yesterday. Melissa and I were invited to the wedding of some friends (Bethany & Jeremy - good folks, really really nice) on Sunday. The wedding was in the afternoon, and we made plans with Sue, Melissa's mother, that she would watch the older kids while Melissa, Alec and I did the wedding. I had dug my suit out of the closet and bought a new white shirt, and was lookin' damn good, if I do say so myself - I don't get enough chances to wear my suit, and I really do enjoy dressing up (I just don't have time to do it usually). At about 3:15, when we were walking out the door, Melissa stopped, white as a sheet, and said, "I can't do this," then ran off to the bathroom. She was very sick with some kind of Andromeda-Strain stomach bug. We decided that Sue could stay and keep an eye on all 3 kids while Melissa rested, and I would make the required appearance at the wedding. Drew was watching TV, Franny was in her room taking a nap, Alec was chilling out in the arms of his adoring Grandma. I left a few minutes late, but made it to the wedding in time. The ceremony was simple but moving, Bethany was radiant, the bridesmaids were elegant but understated in their dresses - all in all, the kind of wedding that everyone loves, nothing but happy folks wishing the best for the happy couple. I availed myself of some wine and sat down to enjoy conversation with friends after the ceremony when my pager went off. It was Sue, so I borrowed a cell phone and called home. It seems that the older kids were being, in her words, "difficult", and she felt that it might be best if I came home early, as she didn't want to leave Melissa alone with Alec if she was asleep, and didn't have the car seat frame to take Alec with to a restaurant. I said my goodbyes and hit the road, making good time driving home, to enter a scene from something that the bastard child of Goya and Dali would have painted. Drew and Franny were running amuck in the living room, Sue was holding Alec and trying to calm them down, and there were pretzels. Everywhere. Not whole pretzels, tiny pices of pretzels. Teeny tiny pieces of pretzels. Every. Where. I haven't seen my mother-in-law looking this frazzled in a while - Drew and Franny are normally relatively well-behaved (albeit a little energetic). She apologized profusely, for which there was, of course, no need - she was doing us a favor, and I felt I needed to apologize to her for the kids. I picked up Franny to put her in her room for time out and opened to door to find... Those of you with weak stomachs might want to just skip this entry... Franny had, while taking her nap, removed her underwear and pooped. On the floor. And spread it all around with the ripped up pages of a book. It was god-awful. Sue explained that when she'd gone in to let Franny out of her room after nap time, she'd discovered this mess. She'd bathed Franny and dressed her in clean clothes, but she just couldn't get in there to clean the mess without feeling sick herself. Again, I wouldn't have expected her to clean that up - there are very strict limits on what I expect from a family member or friend doing us a favor by watching the kids. I changed out of my suit and set to work on the bedroom. Four trashbags (one for the filthy garbage, two to put over my arms, one to kneel on), one broken Swiffer and 75 Clorox wipes later, the room was clean. I changed clothes again, then scrubbed my hands with scalding water, soap and a wire brush. I still don't understand what got into the kids yesterday, but I hope it's out of their systems. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:57:00 AM | Saturday, October 18, 2003
Random Shit First off, everyone's favorite psychotic, delusional Christian sociopath, Jack Chick, has a new comic out, celebrating the joys of seeing your friends die and go to hell for quitting Sunday School. Good times, good times. Next up, some idiot in Washington state decided that he'd deal with a sparking downed power line by stomping on it. Seems that there's one guy that missed all those damn after-school specials on ABC about NOT FUCKING PLAYING NEAR POWER LINES. An British man that is employed in a European bank has proposed that the UK rename all the places that commemorate victories over European powers. God knows, we can't risk offending anyone these days. To the credit of the British, he's being laughed down pretty hard. Last, but certainly not least, the Malaysian government has released a half-hearted apology for their Prime Minister's public statements that the Jews secretly control the world. Apparently, he didn't mean to say that in public. Of course, a roomful of representatives of Islamic governments gave him a standing ovation - including our good allies Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Indonesia, Pakistan... Of course, as long as the oil keeps flowing, Georgie-Porgie won't be smacking the antisemitic ass-lickers down too hard. Before I'm accused of an anti-Muslim bias (which is amusing, considering the amount of time I've devoted in my life to seriously considering converting), let me make it clear that I think that we've got over 3000 years of fucked-up religious history to deal with in the Middle East. Everyone is responsible, everyone has to work to fix it, everyone's got to give up a little of their shit and a lot of their stupid, fucked-up pride to get anything accomplished. Broadcasting the tired arguments of the fucking Nazis is not a part of that in any way. Can we send Siegfried and Roy's tiger over to Malaysia? Just for a short visit... posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:28:00 PM | Friday, October 17, 2003
Fun with translation I'll admit that the main reason I added the translator feature to my blog was for the comedy value. Here's what I've discerned. My blog in each language, in order of funny. (1) German: Not funny (2) Spanish: Funny (3) Italian: Funnier (4) Portugese: Funniest I'm not saying those languages are funny per se, just that my writing, translated by a computer, makes for funny. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 3:19:00 PM | Friday 5 Gina asked: I don't have children myself, but I love to hear the knee-slappers that my godson, his siblings, and my nieces come out with. Or, for that matter, the "logic" espoused by the adults around them when speaking to them. To whit, what are the most amusing things you've ever heard in a household with children? (1) That's a dick, son. - My father, explaining to my 5 year old brother what the large pink thing hanging between a horse's legs was. (2) Boys have a penis, girls have a volvo. - Franny, explaining the critical difference between boys and girls while we ate lunch in a crowded restaurant. (3) I'm a sexy bitch! - Will's daughter Merlin, exhibiting the one line she picked up from watching Austin Powers (4) Daddy hit himself in the penis! - Drew laughing over me running into the corner of the sofa and collapsing in agony. (5) You don't have to ask me for every toy you see on TV! Santa knows what you want - he's got orbital mind-reading satellites that record your every wish, and he gives you gifts based upon your behavior, which includes counting how many times you ask me for a toy immediately after you see the commercial onTV! - Me, explaining the utter lack of a need for them to ask me for a toy after every single frickin' time the stupid commerical came on the TV. Other F5 participants are: Melissa, Merideth, Will, Chris, Dave?, Colleen?, Craig, Gord, Adrienne, Nanette, Marvin, and Rob. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 6:37:00 AM | Thursday, October 16, 2003
BWAH! While the investigation into the leaking of the identity of a covert CIA operative to the press continues, Bush has made it clear to his staff that he wants no more leaks. He even warns that "there will be consequences". Heh. Here's the really funny bit: The Philadelphia Inquirer got this info from a senior administration official who asked to remain nameless. The more things change... posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:38:00 AM | Marvin rants! In a manner worthy of my respect, Marvin has posted a spittle-flecked rant regarding "Marriage Protection Week". Go on over to The Electric Smack Shack and dig the grooves Marvin's layin' down for you. Just watch out for flying poo. He's an angry monkey today. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:13:00 AM | Wednesday, October 15, 2003
A holiday for me Well, after National Talk Like A Pirate Day, that is. Today is National Grouch Day. I intend to celebrate in the traditional fashion by telling all you damn kids to GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!!!!!! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:35:00 AM | Nefarious Plans Underfoot I'm counter-scamming another Mugu, this time from South Africa. With any luck, I'll get a photo of him holding up a humiliating sign. I'll keep you posted, and send the results to scamorama.com, of course. Really, it's too easy. I can't believe these idiots get people to send them money! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:10:00 AM | Tuesday, October 14, 2003
And this week's dumbass award goes to... Assistant U.S. Attorney Kenneth Taylor, who while arguing against a change of venue in the trial of a former state Senator and several of his supporters in a vote fraud trial, called potential jurors in the proposed new venue "illiterate cave dwellers." My favorite quote from the article: "When you say something like this among your buddies at the country club, it's one thing. But when you go out in public and make this kind of statement, you've got to be stone-cold stupid," said Dee Davis, president of the Center for Rural Strategies, a group that has led the fight against such stereotypes. Chris, I sure am glad you're in the legal profession, as the world needs more lawyers like you and fewer like this asshat. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:24:00 PM | OK, drop and give me 20! According to scientists at Queens University in Belfast, Northern Ireland, sex does a body good. It's good for weight loss, prostate health, depression, pain relief, the immune system and improving your sense of smell. Gives new meaning to the term "in the pink of health." Oh, don't look at me like that. You were thinking it, I just said it. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:18:00 PM | PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT On this blog, you will find no, repeat NO plans for the building of crossbows. None. Not a one. You will find no links to plans for the building of crossbows. I do not make crossbows, process crossbows or sell crossbows. That is all. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:53:00 AM | Monday, October 13, 2003
Oooo-kaaaaaay Don't get me wrong - I'm still pissed as hell about the midget-raping scumsuckers in the Texas Lege that acted like The Bugfuker from Sugarland's little bitches and gerrymandered the congressional districting maps. Governor Assbag and Lt. Governor Dingleberry are included in that, BTW. I hope they get cancer of the rectum. All of them. That aside, I saw an interesting item for sale on eBay, and had to mention it. I have now seen everything... Uncle Bob's Left Nut. From the sale page: Hey eBay...before you go cancelling my ad why don't you at least read it first? I'm not selling body parts! It's not Uncle Bob's real left nut it's a FAKE LEFT NUT! It's man-made not natural. Good Lord, do you think I would sell poor Uncle Bob's real nut on your damn website? Give me a damn break! The scary thing is, bidding is up to $30 as of this writing. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 2:47:00 PM | Sunday, October 12, 2003
Fuck you very much, Governor Assbag Those idiot shitlicker dog-raping bastards in the Texas Lege approved the redistricting plan. Fuckers. I hope every sonofabitch that voted for the plan gets ass-raped by a gang of syphilitic rhinos. I've always done my best to look beyond party affiliation and to pragmatically select cadidates for office based upon their ability to do the job. As of today, I'm giving that up. The Repugnican party is a threat to the safety of our nation - I'd rather put up with whacknoodles like the Libertarians or the Greens than the Repugnicans. Shit, I'd rather vote for Charles Fucking Manson than a Repugnican candidate. Oh, sure, there's a few of 'em that're decent folks, and can be relied upon to not fuck up life for everyone else, but the sons of bitches running the Repugnican party need to get their asses kicked hard. Damn, I'm pissed! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:56:00 PM | Saturday, October 11, 2003
Damn I had a brilliant blog entry written about today being John Cusack's 41st birthday, and how that made me realize that I am aging. Melissa informed me that I'd misheard her, however, and that it was, in fact, Joan Cusack's birthday. That's way different, as I never identified with her in any of her movies. I have now decided that this is a sign from the Gods that I am, in fact, as young as ever, and will remain good-looking and wrinkle-free forever. Bwah-ha-ha. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:46:00 AM | Friday, October 10, 2003
A revenge interview A little while back, I asked Adrienne five questions. She's reciprocated, and so here we go: 1) What's the one toy that technically belongs to your kids that you can't live without? Which one would you like to smash into little tiny pieces? (a) Legos. Drew has hit the age at which Legos are the coolest things on Earth. I was Lego-deprived as a child, so I enjoy the occasional "sit down and make shit with the Legos" session. (b) Anything that rings, buzzes, chirps, whirrs, squeaks, sings, dances or clunks. Toys with lots of fiddly bits that break easily come in a close second. 2) What do you like the most about your house? Least? (a) Our new laminate floors (thanks, Pop! If you hadn't installed them, the laminate would still be in the garage!) Carpet is the worst idea for floor coverings EVER for people with children, animals or anything other than on obsession for vacuuming and shampooing. (b) The kitchen. It's spaced out all wrong, and there's not enough counter space. And the oven/range sucks ASS! And the fridge is too small. And I want more gadgets. 3) Why have you stayed in Austin this long? Because Austin rocks. And because I've settled in to a decent job that pays well, and I've finally got a circle of friends (the first 3-4 years here were absolute shit for me, excluding the delight of getting to know you and Scott). Oh, and Melissa's trying to go back to grad school in the next year or so. Did I mention the mild winters? And it's pleasantly dry to me, after growing up in central Georgia. The music scene (which I don't get out to as much as I want, but it's there), the Shiner Bock, not being in Dallas or Houston, the gaming, Melissa's parents and their pool, friends like Will & Merideth, Dragon's Lair (friendly, knowledgable staff), Half Price Books... it's all a rationalization for my dislike for moving and new situations, really. 4) What's one quality about yourself that you hope you haven't passed on to the kids? Paranoia - not the full-blown kind, just my mild social paranoia that people are either tolerating me out of politeness or waiting for the perfect moment to devastatingly humiliate me. It comes out of my ADD and accompanying difficulties in reading social cues. I always feel disconnected from everyone else, and thus don't always feel like I can trust people. Add this to a few dramatic incidents when I was younger, and I've settled quite nicely into a niche that teeters between normal sociability and crazed isolationism. 5) What's the one question you wish that I'd asked you? Something that would have allowed me to show off my impressive range of knowledge, covering everything from the sweep of human history to the nitpicky minutiae of obsessive devotion to superhero comics. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:08:00 AM | Another Fiver Rob of about pip is joining the list of Friday Fivers. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 7:16:00 AM | Chris asks this week: People once thought that it was important for boys to study the works of the great Roman orators so that they would develop both their language skills and their sense of honor, duty and propriety. (This was a particular theme in the biography "John Adams," as the love of these boyhood texts stayed with the honor-bound Adams all his life.) I often think about the books that had a profound impact on me as a boy, because I came of age in a post-Watergate world. My tastes tended toward the sarcastic, ironic and humorous, and I sometimes wonder if I would be a different man today if I had read different literature as a boy. What if I was reading Cicero instead of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy? I seldom read biographies, but what if I was reading biographies of Lincoln and Washington and other "great men"? Would that have even made sense? Are the Roman ideals even relevant anymore, in our world of irony and instant gratification? Who are the proper heroes for boys? Should we strive to sustain the old ideals, or look toward a new formulation of them? Where should we find such ideals? That's the background; here's the question. I want to expose my son to the very best literature as he grows up -- "best" being defined as "engaging his interest, challenging his intellect, and building his character." Based on your own life experiences, what five books would you recommend? Chris is putting responsibility for his kid's education on us. I've got two lists, actually - one for intellectual and one for moral/ethical books. Adam's Intellectual Development Booklist (1) The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - A guide to deductive reasoning. Holmes is the Rational Man, stripped of all pretensions of society or culture. (2) The Way Things Work - This will assist a learning, curious child in his endeavors to take apart dad's new plasma screen TV as he tries to learn what makes it go. The mysteries of internal combustion, digital equipment and just about everything else are explained for kids in an easy to read, entertaining format. (3) This is cheating, but a biography of any of the following: Thomas Paine, Captain Sir Richard Francis Burton, Richard Feynman, Alexander the Great, Winston Churchill, George C. Marshall or Giordano Bruno. Really, any good biography will do, as it gives excellent perspective into the lives of the great. (4) The Histories of Herodotus - The West's first real historian, he did what no one else had done before - tried to sort out the facts of history from the lies. Sometimes he succeeded, some times he didn't, but he laid the foundation for the science of history. (5) Green Eggs and Ham - I shouldn't have to include this book at all, but I will, because it's possibly the book that's introduced more kids to the pleasure of reading for themselves than any other. It's not one of those lame-ass, boring books about nothing in particular, it's a wild, wacky, thrilling ride into unexplored realms. "You do not like them, so you say. Try them! Try them, and you may!" Adam's Moral Development Booklist (1) Le Morte D'Arthur - We know what the Age of Chivalry was really like, and no sane person wants to live in a heavily stratified society like that, but some of what we call the Arthurian ideals are still important - Might FOR right, protecting those unable to protect themselves, staying true to our personal code of honor - there are important lessons in all books, especially this one. (2) Starship Troopers - Some very good bits in there about the importance of service to your nation. Anyone who clings to the historically untrue -- and -- thoroughly immoral doctrine that violence never solves anything I would advise to conjure up the ghosts of Napoleon Bonaparte and the Duke of Wellington and let them debate it. The ghost of Hitler would referee. Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor; and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and their freedoms. The trick, of course, is learning when and how to apply it, which is where the next two books come into play... (3) Why We Can't Wait by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. It's a passionate argument for nonviolence and racial justice. An absolute necessity. (4) Thermopylae: The Battle for the West. From the need for nonviolence in seeking justice to the occasional need for men to stand and fight to the death. Thermopylae is one of the major "cusp" points in history, when one event makes everything after it take on an entirely different meaning. By the time Leonidas of Sparta was hacked to death by the soldiers of Persia, Greece was irrevocably changed from a collection of sparring city-states to a nation in spirit. A world without the stand of those few, brave Greeks against an invading horde would be one without all of our precious ideals of individual freedom. My favorite quote from the battle: Xerxes' messenger demands that the Greeks guarding the pass lay down their weapons in the name of the King of Kings. Leonidas cooly replies, "Come and get them." (5) The Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis' brilliant fantasy world, an excellent allegory and richly detailed, thrilling and still able to produce in me a sense of wonder. Whatever your opinions of Christianity, these books are a damn good read, and they teach important lessons. Other F5 participants are: Melissa, Merideth, Will, , Gina, Dave, Colleen, Craig, Gord, Adrienne, Nanette and Marvin. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:01:00 AM | Thursday, October 09, 2003
Welcome a new blogger! Kind of. We already know Marvin, Austin's phunkiest philosopher, from his mind-boggling work with Gord on The New Sophists' Almanac. Marvin's branching into personal blogging at The Electric Smack Shack. He starts the ball rolling with some wry commentary on redistricting. What's amazing is that he's able to discuss it without one using the name Governor Assbag. Kudos to Marvin for his delicate restraint! posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 7:49:00 PM | Random assbaggery First up today, our good friends at the Vatican tell us condoms don't stop AIDS. Seems they've got tiny holes in 'em that let HIV go right through. The Vatican claims this in the face of overwhelming scientific evidence that condoms are, in fact, 90% effective in preventing the transmission of AIDS and other STDs. But still, it moves. Thank you, Mr. Galilei - the Vatican does, in fact, have a long history of ignoring uncomfortable scientific facts in preference to asinine and outdated dogma. I wish I could claim shock at their advocacy of the destruction of millions of human lives over something as simple as a condom. Really, I do. Rob at about pip pointed this out, as well as links to some articles describing the Bush administration's assbaggery regarding family planning and AIDS. Not to mention a nice little rant about anti-gay idiots in the churches. Which leads us to... this - the right-wing morons in the Episcopalian Church that get all hot and bothered at the thought that two people of the same sex can have a loving, committed relationship without burning in hell for all eternity are threatening to go away and form their own little he-man fag-hating church. It's shit like this that makes me glad I'm an apatheist. In the "Was I stupid enough to say this on TAPE?!" department, the wife of Maryland's Republican governor expressed a desire to shoot Britney Spears. Now, I'm not a fan of Britney, first and foremost because she can't spell her own damn name, and I think her music is inane, bland and annoying as hell, but even I don't want to shoot her. According to Kendel Erlich, wife of Maryland's governor (who, ironically, tried and failed to strengthen the penalties for gun-related crimes last year), Spears is enough of a threat to our Precious Bodily Fluids or some such, that she needs to be shot. At least, that's what she laughingly said at a conference on domestic violence. Way to go, Kendal. Next time, shut yer friggin' pie hole a little sooner and remember that the mike is live. Just call him Cleopatra... Siegfried of Siegfried & Roy claims that the tiger didn't attack Roy, it was trying to help him. Er, yeah. Whatever, dude. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:34:00 AM | Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Cut it out! You're scaring me! Once again, someone has searched "Catherine Zeta Jones" and gynecology on the web, and got me. This time, I'm #6 on Yahoo! Search. Below "Asia Pink Lolita Porno" but above "Pregnancy today" and "Atkins Diet". Whoever it is that's desperately concerned about CZJ's vagina and the doctors that treat it, please, PLEASE, PLEASE stop coming to my site. You're really freaking me out, dude. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:11:00 AM | Tuesday, October 07, 2003
News flash Tigers are NOT pets. Apparently, some folks can't grasp this. I'll go slowly, and use small words, just in case some idiot eventually googles for information on the care and feeding of his pet tiger and pulls up my blog. Those of you that read me regularly may ignore this advice, as you're not stupid enough to own a tiger. (1) Tigers are wild, carnivorous animals. Yes, they're cats, just like the cute and fuzzy li'l kitty-cat you've got living in your house now, but that does not mean that tigers are going to be as harmless as your cat. First off, look at the way your cat acts, and imagine him at around 400 pounds. Do you want that pouncing on your foot in the middle of the night? How about batting you around the living room like a catnip toy? Didn't think so. (2) Tigers are carnivores. They eat 20-30 pounds of RAW MEAT every day. If you forget to feed them, they will NOT pee on the t-shirt you left on the floor. They will not follow you around the house butting their heads at your legs in an effort to get your attention. They will come into the living room where you're watching TV and EAT YOUR LAZY ASS. (3) Tigers are BIG. 400-800 pounds. You cannot pick up a tiger and put him out the back door if he's being a pest. If you somehow manage to put the tiger outside, he'll smash your fucking door in and come back in. (4) Tigers do not, and have NEVER lived in Africa in the wild. You're thinking of LIONS, which are also big, dangerous cats, but look entirely different. If you mention Africa to a tiger, he will eat your geographically ignorant ass. (5) Tigers really don't like Las Vegas. (6) Tigers do not belong in Harlem apartments. (7) Did I mention that tigers are large, wild carnivores? Can't hurt to say it again. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:17:00 AM | Monday, October 06, 2003
A mystery solved. Sort of. Some time ago, I wondered about a billboard in Vidor, Texas that accused some guy named Steve Page of killing his wife. This article gives a little more detail on the case. I have no interest in the case itself, it's just that the billboard on Eastbound I-10 has caught my attention every time I've driven through that area, and no number of web searches before this have ever given me useful information. If you've never driven into Louisiana from Houston, TX, you've never seen this sign, and you can cheerfully ignore this post. Those with a morbid curiosity can also go here. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 4:41:00 PM | ¡Ahora en español, para su placer de la lectura! Si usted mira abajo del lado izquierdo de la página, usted encontrará un juguete nuevo - un traductor de los pescados de Alta Vista Babel. ¡Tenga diversión! O usted puede ir aquí para la traducción de este poste, que es franco más emocionante en español. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 4:02:00 PM | Miscellany Thanks for the HTML editor suggestions - I'll check them out. Rewatched an episode of "The Prisoner" last night - "The Arrival". I'd forgotten how much I like that series. I did have an uncomfortable moment when I pictured a film version starring Uma Thurman, Sean Connery and Tom Cruise (I have an overactive imagination), and I had to hit myself in the head with a cast iron skillet to drive the Evil Thoughts from my brain. On Saturday, Melissa and I went to Muster Day at Camp Mabry, an Army base here in Austin. It's kind of an open-house event, complete with reenactors (ranging from American Revolution through Vietnam), a lineup of armored vehicles from a Sherman tank to an M1 Abrams and the usual assortment of booths and food vendors. The kids got their faces painted in a camoflage pattern, we all had hot dogs for lunch, and Drew and Franny and I got to go for a ride in a restored German WWII half track. The WWII reenactors were especially interesting - there were American, German(!) and British units, an assortment of restored military vehicles (several German motorcycles, the aforementioned half track, an American half track and a buttload of jeeps) and even some French Resistance reenactors. When the US Civil War reenactors fired their cannon, Alec slept through it. Wish I could sleep like that. The high point for Franny was riding one of the horses of the Buffalo Soldiers reenactment group, while Drew got the biggest kick out of getting to sit in the driver's seat of a mobile howitzer. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:48:00 AM | Sunday, October 05, 2003
HTML Editor Can anyone recommend an HTML editor simple enough for a complete HTML-incapable- idiot like me to use? I'm using Netscape right now, but even that's a little bit too hard. Something click and drag, with no fiddly bits would be nice. Here's what I've got so far - spittlefleckedrant.com, It's not the worst web page I've ever seen, but it definitely needs work. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:34:00 PM | Saturday, October 04, 2003
Saturday Eventually, I'll get my web page up. One of these days. As soon as I learn how to post changes to it, I'll do it. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 4:38:00 PM | Friday, October 03, 2003
Friday 5 Will asked: Heinlein's Number of the Beast theorizes that all realities, even ours, come from someone else's imagination. And therefore, if you could learn to travel across dimensions it would be possible to find the worlds where every story occurred. The more fully realized story (and the better the story-teller) the more fully realized the world. So, What five fictional worlds would you like to visit once William perfects his inter-dimensional mini-van? This is a topic I've actually considered before this, because I frequently find myself daydreaming instead of paying attention to things around me, like boring-ass conference calls, lectures from parents and church. (1) Terra as depicted in The Stars My Destination. It's a richly colored world, brawling and chaotic and a shining testament to the inventive genius that is Alfred Bester. (2) Several fiction worlds at once, but I believe they all happened in the same place - Rafael Sabatini's world. Scaramouche, Captain Blood, the Sea Hawk... dude, I'd be in heaven. (3) Transmetropolitan. The City. It's a fascinating place - I don't thing I'd want to eat at The Long Pig, but I could certainly enjoy bringing a souvenier bowel disruptor home with me. (4) Babylon 5. Another richly detailed fictional world. The first TV series to realistically depict alien races as aliens, but with an undercurrent stressing the connections all sentients share. Plus Claudia Christian is hot. (5) Riverworld. Everyone that's ever lived is on this planet. You can't die - if you're killed, you get resurrected somewhere else along the banks of a world-spinning river the next morning. A very attractive proposition, plus there's a chance I could hang out with Captain Sir Richard Francis Burton and Mark Twain. Other F5 participants are: Melissa, Merideth, Chris, Gina, Dave, Colleen, Craig, Gord, Adrienne, and Nanette. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:51:00 AM | Thursday, October 02, 2003
Well, I'm glad someone remembered... A cop in Florida forgot he had evidence at home that would clear two men suspected of murder. For 8 months, a tape of two informants naming the real killers in a capital crime sat in the sock drawer of Super-moron Thomas "Bill" Murray of Broward County, FL. "I completely forgot about it. I didn't do it intentionally," Whined Sgt. Murray. He did finally remember he had this tape. Four months after charges were dropped, he brought it in. I wonder how many innocents Flrodia has executed? posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:11:00 PM | Update on the Florida toddler Brianna Lee has been released from the hospital, into the care of her father. Her mother remains in jail on a $170,000 bond, which is good. More details indicate the little girl's mother is a real piece of work - she was serving time for aggravated assault and petty theft. Here's the quote that got me: "She's a very sweet little girl -- fun to be around," Sharee Arrington said. "The way I picture her and her child -- they were close. I never though she'd leave that baby in the house by herself." I find it hard to believe that someone that callous could actually give that impression to a friend. I'm more in agreement with this quote: "That's disgusting," neighbor Cheryl Banks said. "Nobody knew? Nobody said anything?" And this leads us to a minor SFR... Parenting is work. If you decide to have a child, you've got to have your shit together. An immaculate house and Cosby-like parenting skills are not required, but you've got to have an understanding that this is a fucking permanent gig. Every decision you make has to take the kid into account. I don't understand why people can't figure this out - I mean, it's a FUCKING HUMAN BEING, not a fashion accessory. It doesn't matter if you're pulling down $1,000,000 a year or you're on welfare - I have known kids from both ends of the spectrum that are sane, well adjusted and well-cared for, and I've known kids that are utterly fucked up. What matters is that you USE YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN. Plan ahead, do as much as you can to minimize the amount you fuck up your kids. (No kid grows up without getting some weird mental baggage from his or her parents, what matters is that [a] it's made as minimal as possible and [b] you give your children the basic tools they'll need to get over it) This is a topic I don't often rant about, mainly because it's hard for me to stay calm while I discuss it. Just please. Please. Think. If you know someone that's an absolute idiot, try to discourage them. We can't forcibly prevent idiots from breeding (at least until I take over), but we can discourage them. It's for the children, you know? posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:47:00 AM | Wednesday, October 01, 2003
New spittle-flecked rant Been reading up on the debate surrounding Shrub's request for more money for Afghanistan and Iraq, and I'm struck by the rank hypocrisy and idiocy on both sides of the aisle in our Congress. I supported the war on Iraq because I felt Hussein needed to be removed, and it should have been done 12 years ago. Others disagreed with me on that, and I'm cool with that. Rational disagreement and all that. Now, though, I hear way too many politicians that ACTIVELY SUPPORTED the invasion of Iraq saying that $87 billion is too much, and that it's not fair that we should have to pay for it all. Bull-fucking-shit. We have an obligation, no, a DUTY to rebuild both Afghanistan and Iraq. In both nations, we went in with the express purpose of removing the government in place (for good or bad reasons - that's something I won't deal with here). We removed the government, and now we're responsible for what happens there. I'm cool with saying, "Let's make sure this money we've earmarked for these efforts is spent efficiently. Let's roll back those stupid tax cuts so we don't overextend our budget paying for this." That's rational, and sensible. Insisting that the people of Iraq PAY US for our invasion is stupid beyond the pale of stupid. Folks, we've incurred a debt that we have to honor. We have to do this right, or any legitimacy we hope to gain from it is gone. If we can't handle the load ourselves, then we've got two choices: (1) Suck it in and do what we must to succeed or (2) Go to the world, hat in hand, and admit that we need help, and we'll accept the terms we must to get it. Sure, we could just walk away from Iraq, but that wouldn't really accomplish anything at all in the long run. I'm willing to pay higher taxes to work to resolve the messes in Afghanistan and Iraq. As long as the money's being spent wisely, I'm not going to nitpick about the cost - stable multiethnic governments in both nations will only benefit the world as a whole, and as the only superpower standing after 40+ years of the Cold War, we've earned a heavy responsibility to work to make things better. It's what we promised we'd do, right? The idiots that can't see that we have to follow through on Iraq need to shut the fuck up and get their heads out of their asses. I'm teaching my kids to clean up their own messes, our government needs to set the same example. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:49:00 AM | |
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