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How To Fix Walter Reed

Like a lot of you, I was shocked to read about the god-awful treatment our wounded soldiers are experiencing as they try to recover at Walter Reed Hopsital. While I remain strongly opposed to the war, I also believe very strongly that we, as a nation, owe the men and women of our military the best support possible. The roach and rat infested rooms, the Army's use of the sleaziest techniques of fly-by-night insurance gougers to screw over soldiers with disabilities, the flat-out lack of proper care - all of that made me sick to my stomach.

Which is why I was relieved to hear that "swift action" has been demanded by Congress and the White House.

Walter Reed's commander, Maj. Gen. George W. Weightman, said in an interview that the Army leadership had assured him that all the staff increases he had requested would be met. "This is not an issue," he said. "This is their number one priority."

Good to hear, right?

Pretty words, the kind of response you'd expect to hear a commanding officer give if he'd been called on the carpet.

So what, exactly, is the Army doing?

Playing ass-cover.

Soldiers at Walter Reed Army Medical Center’s Medical Hold Unit say they have been told they will wake up at 6 a.m. every morning and have their rooms ready for inspection at 7 a.m., and that they must not speak to the media.

“Some soldiers believe this is a form of punishment for the trouble soldiers caused by talking to the media,” one Medical Hold Unit soldier said, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

Because in Bush's America, when things go wrong, the first thing that must be done is that the messenger must be punished. It's the Pentagon's REMF brass smacking down the grunts because they had the audacity to complain about their treatment.

Way to go, guys. Way to support the troops, doncha think?
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:59:00 AM

 
*sigh*

So I got one of those Flexible Spending Accounts with a credit/debit card attached, because they told me that I wouldn't have to deal with any of the dumb-ass paperwork involved in submitting a claim so they'll reimburse me MY GODDAMN MONEY.

At least, that's what they said.

So suddenly, the fucking morons that manage MY GODDAMN MONEY can't understand why on Earth I would be using an FSA credit card to pay for things at a doctor's office, a pharmacy and a dentist's office. Because, really, what the hell do those have to do with medical expenses? Jesus, it's like I might spend MY GODDAMN MONEY on useless crap like medicine, dental care and a doctor's visit!

Goddamn moron asswipe shitlicker mouthbreather fucktards.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:13:00 PM

 
Happy Birthday

Ten years ago today, I was exhausted. Melissa had been in labor for the last day and a half, and the doctor had decided that the delivery wasn't progressing fast enough and rushed her in for a c-section.

I'd been with our new baby for several hours, cradling him and marveling at the absolute perfection of the tiny person in my arms.

We named him Andrew Matthew, and he's ten years old today. I love him even more now than I did when he was a baby.

Happy birthday, son.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:59:00 AM

 
Just Speculating, Of Course....

I wonder if the Bushies will tell us Cuba has WMD next? Or is it that the people of Cuba have languished under Castro's oppressive rule long enough, and cry out for freedom? No, no, wait - Al Qaeda is working with Hugo Chavez and Fidel to sneak brown-skinned terrorists into Florida!
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:35:00 AM

 
You're not fooling anyone, Mikey

Michael Medved, a consistent emitter of noisome rantings that make tertiary syphilis sufferers look like models of sanity, weighs in on Tim Hardaway:

Recent comments by retired basketball star Tim (“I hate gay people”) Hardaway did serious damage to his image and career but also unwittingly raised serious cultural issues about sexuality and gender.

Hardaway appropriately apologized for his harsh remarks, but many (if not most) Americans no doubt share his instinctive reluctance to share showers and locker rooms with open homosexuals. That reluctance also explains the controversial Defense Department policy that prevents out-of-the-closet gays from serving in the United States military.

In the wake of the nearly-universal condemnation of Tim Hardaway’s statements to a radio interviewer, the substantive issue remains. Is it a reasonable for an NBA basketball player (or a soldier in basic training, for that matter) to feel uncomfortable sharing intimate quarters with a homosexual, or does this represent an outrageous, irrational fear? In response to the Hardaway controversy, several sports columnists compared his resistance to the idea of playing alongside gay teammates to the racism of previous years when white players tried to avoid competing with (or against) blacks.

Even when I identified as straight, I didn't have a problem sharing a shower with gays. I was much more worried about the straight guys that liked to play pranks on wimps and nerds. The prospect of being ogled by a guy just didn't bother me - what's looking compared to getting a cup of urine flung at you, or a bucket of cold water, or getting your clothes and towel stolen and tossed out in the middle of the gym floor during cheerleading practice? But Hardaway, Medved and those bullies had something in common: an amazing preoccupation with the prospect of a member of the same sex finding them attractive, which would somehow diminish their own masculinity.

I'm reminded of a guy in my high school (who shall remain nameless - we'll call him "Earl" here) that had been raised by a very strict Baptist family - no alcohol, no rock music, no movies rated higher than "G". Earl was obsessed with pornography - far more than your average teenage boy. This was in the days before the internet (for you younger readers, that was also back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and people listened to things called "records", but after the advent of MTV), so porn was a little bit harder to come by (pun unintended). I mean, Earl was obsessed with it, with how filthy and unclean it was, degrading to women (funny, though, Earl didn't have a problem with making women stay home and serve as unpaid drudges for their families). Porn was disgusting and depraved - it caused blindness, rape, masturbation, devil-worship and a predilection for voting for people like Geraldine Ferraro. When Earl got going, it was a sight to see - eyes wild, flecks of spittle at the corner of his mouth, arms waving, he ranted about the evils of pornography and the Devil's use of porn as a honeyed trap to entice men into his ways of abortion, drinking, dancing and deviant behavior. He wasn't well-liked, in large part because of his sanctimonious, snotty attitude that everyone he knew was going straight to hell, and that he thought that was Just Fine.

You can probably see where this is going.

One day, Earl came to the office to speak to his cousin Pudge (who was an office assistant, and had a pass to go off-campus on school errands). Seems Earl had left the money the FFA had raised at a car wash at home, and his teacher needed to turn it in that day. Earl wasn't allowed to leave campus, but the teacher had written a note asking Pudge to go get the envelope, which was sitting in Earl's bedroom on his dresser. Pudge got Earl's housekey and drove over. Earl's mother wasn't at home - she was out of town visiting her relatives - so Pudge let himself in.

It'd been a couple of years since any of us had been to Earl's house - his father didn't approve of us and Earl considered us "ungodly", primarily because we took the Lord's name in vain and on Saturday nights would hang out on Goody Road drinking illicit beer instead of staying home and engaging in more wholesome activities. Pudge went in and got into Earl's bedroom and he noticed something - a slick, glossy magazine cover poking out from under Earl's mattress. Pudge's words of description are welded in my memory: "Man, you wouldn't believe it - I lifted up that mattress and looked, and there was the biggest collection of dirty magazines you ever saw. Not just Penthouse and Playboy, but Hustler, and those magazines you could buy at the porn stores in Columbus that had fat chicks and chicks doing chicks, and I swear I saw one cover that had a lady with two cucumbers and a carrot shoved in her butthole. I didn't touch any of them, but I could tell that most of the pages were stuck together and the covers all looked like they'd been dipped in donut glaze. I mean, it was fuckin' sick! Don't get me wrong, man - I like lookin' at a Playboy, and sure, I beat my meat sometimes, who doesn't, but near as I can tell, Earl must spend a couple of hours every night whackin' it. I'm surprised he hasn't rubbed his goddamn tallywhacker off by now." Word spread through the grapevine, so within a few days, Earl's hypocrisy was known to all in our circle.

We were learning "Hamlet" in Senior English that year, so the next week, when we were reading the play out loud in class, one of the girls got to Gertrude's line in Act III: "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Someone, I still don't know who, muttered under his breath, "Yeah, so does Earl." then started making a wet squishy sound with his mouth. Within seconds, pandemonium reigned. Everyone was laughing, slapping their desks, eyes streaming, one girl was laughing so hard she fell out of her desk.

In retrospect, I feel incredibly guilty over that. Earl sat in the corner, bright red, eyes downcast. He didn't say another word that day, but the next week his parents enrolled him in the private, segregationist "Bible Academy" in the next county. Pudge still saw him from time to time at family gatherings, but that was all. I later heard Earl went to a bible college and became a preacher, and did pretty well, and good for him.

I'm sure all of you know of a person like Earl - there are people in this world that can't deal with forbidden fruit. It's sometimes laughable, but always kind of pathetic. I mean, liking pictures of naked people? Perfectly within the range of normal. It's human to be fascinated with different things, and it's human to sometimes succumb to your desires. As a teenager, I did what every teenage boy does - I masturbated, and frequently. Why? Because I could, because I'd had a penis all my life, but suddenly I'd discovered all kinds of cool things I could do with it - kind of like the moment you realized that you could do more than just type term papers on that computer in the corner. My parents never specifically discussed the topic with me, but they let it be known that it was OK, that that was a part of learning who I was, as long as I didn't let it rule me. I was a normal kid. (This is setting aside my own sexuality issues, which were, quite frankly, outside the commonly-accepted norm. "Bisexual" as a concept wasn't something most people even considered back then, and I did a pretty good job of focusing on women at that point.)

What's not normal is to expend so much time and energy thinking about things that cause shame. It's twisted to warp a young boy so much that he can't deal with his sexuality in a normal fashion, that he has to actively deny who and what he is.

And that's what Medved, Hardaway, Ted Haggard and others that go on and on about how terrible homosexuality is remind me of - poor Earl, desperate to be "normal", thinking that to be normal he has to deny some fundamental part of himself, to the point that he became abnormal. Straight men that aren't worried about their sexuality don't worry about the thought of other men seeing them naked. Straight men that are confident just don't think about it - it's not a problem for them. Hell, I'm bisexual, and openly so, and while I freely admit to the occasional thought of sex with an attractive, muscular man, say George Clooney, or the guy playing Leonidas in the upcoming movie "300" (I'm bi, but monogamous, so thinking is all I do), I don't think about it near as much as Medved or Hardaway.

I mean, seriously - who do they think they're fooling? The lads do protest too much, methinks. And it's just pathetic, because to them, it's obviously something that causes a lot of stress, and if they'd just be honest, they'd see that there's no shame in being attracted to members of the same sex, that it's normal, it's human.

I just want to tell them, "It's OK. It's OK to be gay. It's OK to be heterosexual, too. It's all OK. Be who you are, dude." My father taught me a long time ago that the important thing is that you are true to yourself and that you don't hurt anyone. Don't cause unnecessary pain. Do right by the world. I wish Medved and Hardaway could understand that. They're hurting themselves more than they're hurting others.

There's more in Medved's piece, and others in the blogosphere are covering it and other Hardaway-related stuff in more detail, but that one aspect of it caught me.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:31:00 PM

 
Gee, Why Do They Hate Us?

I mean, it's a mystery! We liberated them, we're painting schools - why on earth would they not appreciate that?


posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 6:44:00 AM

 
Why I Adore George Takei


posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:42:00 PM

 
Dumbest. President. EVAR.


posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:29:00 AM

 
Drive-By

::waves::

Still around, doing OK - just haven't had anything to write about this weekend. I try to avoid news on weekends because it always makes me want to scream and throw things, and I'd rather do that in the office than at home, TYVM.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:36:00 PM

 
The Stupid! It BURNS!

You know, I was working on a really blistering rant about Tim Hardaway's recent homophobic comments in an interview, but then I saw this:

The Anti-Defamation League is calling on state Rep. Ben Bridges to apologize for a memo distributed under his name that says the teaching of evolution should be banned in public schools because it is a religious deception stemming from an ancient Jewish sect.

Bridges (R-Cleveland) denies having anything to do with the memo. But one of his constituents said he wrote the memo with Bridges’ approval before it was recently distributed to lawmakers in several states, including Texas, California, New York, Illinois, Pennsylvania and Ohio.

Funny that. I'm sure he has no problem talking about the Ancient And Powerful Elders of Zion and their evil plots against the purity of white women or whateverthefuck it is those lunatics believe this week, but expose his bigoted idiocy to the light of day and he scurries for cover.

I can't imagine why he'd do that, especially when Texas' own Warren Chisum sent the letter out to his colleagues with a ringing endorsement.

What say we see what the memo says?

“Indisputable evidence — long hidden but now available to everyone — demonstrates conclusively that so-called ‘secular evolution science’ is the Big-Bang 15-billion-year alternate ‘creation scenario’ of the Pharisee Religion,” the memo says. “This scenario is derived concept-for-concept from Rabbinic writings in the mystic ‘holy book’ Kabbala dating back at least two millennia.”

The memo calls on lawmakers to introduce legislation that would end the teaching of evolution in public schools because it is “a deception that is causing incalculable harm to every student and every truth-loving citizen.”

It also directs readers to a Web site www.fixedearth.com, which includes model legislation that calls the Kabbala “a mystic, anti-Christ ‘holy book’ of the Pharisee Sect of Judaism.” The Web site also declares “the earth is not rotating … nor is it going around the sun.”Emphasis mine - ACL

Yegods. Flat earthers making our laws.

Bridges denied writing or authorizing the memo.

“I did not put it out nor did I know it was going out,” Bridges said. “I’m not defending it or taking up for it.”

Suuuuuuure you didn't. And if you pull my other leg, it plays "Jingle Bells".

The memo directs supporters to call Marshall Hall, president of the Fair Education Foundation Inc., a Cornelia, Ga.-based organization that seeks to show evolution is a myth. Hall said he showed Bridges the text of the memo and got his permission to distribute it.

“I gave him a copy of it months ago,” said Hall, a retired high school teacher. “I had already written this up as an idea to present to him so he could see what it was and what we were thinking.”

Hall said his wife Bonnie has served as Bridges’ campaign manager since 1996.

Bridges acknowledged that he talked to Hall about filing legislation this year that would end the teaching of evolution in Georgia’s public schools. Bridges said the views in the memo belong to Hall, though Bridges said he doesn’t necessarily disagree with them.

“I agree with it more than I would the Big Bang Theory or the Darwin Theory,” Bridges said. “I am convinced that rather than risk teaching a lie why teach anything?”

::sighs heavily::

If it wasn't for the fact that Bridges, a toilet-drinking, inbred, tertiary-syphilis-suffering low-grade moron, was in the Georgia legislature, it'd be funny. As it is, it's cause to fill a large glass with the strongest alcohol on hand and slam it down. Repeatedly.

For Bridges and his idiot pals, education is something that happened to other people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to drink heavily and weep for the future.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 12:32:00 PM

 
Oh, Well Done, Sir!

My Invisible Internets Buddy Gord has sold a story!

It's in Fantasy Magazine, entitled "Pahwakhe". I haven't read it yet, but if it's up to the quality of the stuff of Gord's that I've read before, it's gonna rock the house.

Kudos to Gord, and I hope there's many more sales in the future.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 6:52:00 AM

 
Fuck You, Bill Donohue

No, seriously. Fuck you hard and fast without lube.

Amanda Marcotte left the Edwards campaign. While I still think Edwards could have taken more decisive action to put Bill "I Sodomize Infant Goats" Donohue in his place (the phrase, "What business is it of yours, you bigoted piece of shit?" would have been very useful), every indication is that Ms. Marcotte voluntarily resigned because of Donohue and his corpse-raping followers' death threats.

Melissa McEwan has resigned as well, in part due to the vitriol unleashed upon her by the sick fucks of the right wing.

Yep, good, solid "Red-state" Christians, the salt of the earth, decent, caring folk that don't have time to hate like those big-city liberals... these people think that it's OK to threaten to rape and/or kill women that have the audacity to suggest that maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't listen to misogynists and bigots when we make decisions about personal ethics.

It's funny, isn't it? Aren't the Republicans the ones that have been bleating and whining about how there should be a return to decorum and politeness in politics? Seems to me they oughtta fix themselves first. They've been sowing wind, and if the right doesn't change its ways, pretty soon they'll reap the whirlwind.

And me? I'm more and more inclined to sit back and watch it happen.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:41:00 AM

 
You Gotta See This

I have a new favorite webcomic.

Breakfast of the Gods

It's a mystery/adventure story, with some very... interesting... characters. It's wrong in all the right ways.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 4:24:00 PM

 
Melissa's Latest: Executive Kudos

The latest column is out, and it is, as always, superb:

Very few people like to contemplate the likelihood that, at some point, their children will have sex lives. When our children are small, it's discomfiting to imagine, and even when they're adults, it's not something most parents want to dwell on. Couple that uneasiness with the natural repugnance most of us have for sexually transmitted diseases and you can see why some parents aren't entirely comfortable with the notion of vaccinating their young daughters against genital human papillomavirus (HPV), a sexually transmitted disease which is linked to cervical cancer.

Riffing on her column, I would like to offer the erstwhile Governor Assbag an olive branch: Keep doing Not-Stupid things like this, and I'll retire "Governor Assbag".

Deal?

[EDIT] Thanks to Julia, there's a link now. Appy-olly-loggies, O My Brothers.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 8:31:00 AM

 
Planetocopia!

I love this site. It's a website chock-full of alternate Earths - ranging from axial tilts to more bizarre variations.

I fully intend to steal at least a couple of these for future campaign settings. They're too good not to.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 9:07:00 AM

 
Well Done, Mr. Edwards

Well, the reports were wrong. Edwards didn't cave:

The tone and the sentiment of some of Amanda Marcotte's and Melissa McEwan's posts personally offended me. It's not how I talk to people, and it's not how I expect the people who work for me to talk to people. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but that kind of intolerant language will not be permitted from anyone on my campaign, whether it's intended as satire, humor, or anything else. But I also believe in giving everyone a fair shake. I've talked to Amanda and Melissa; they have both assured me that it was never their intention to malign anyone's faith, and I take them at their word. We're beginning a great debate about the future of our country, and we can't let it be hijacked. It will take discipline, focus, and courage to build the America we believe in.

It's not what I would have said to Malkin and Donohue, but I'm not running for president. I'm still pissed that the media ran with this nonsense in the first place, but this is an encouraging sign.

Now why aren't we seeing anything on CNN about Malkin, Donohue and Limbaugh's bigotry? Must be that durn lib'rul media, eh? Or is it Bill Clinton's Penis' fault? I can never remember these things.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 3:46:00 PM

 
Say It Ain't So!

Word on the street is that the Edwards campaign has caved. I sent this email to the Edwards campaign:

I am very, very disturbed by reports that you have fired Amanda Marcotte and Melissa McEwan on the basis of complaints by crackpots, bigots and hatemongers on the right.

My father, a veteran of the civil rights movement, taught me that you can tell a lot about someone by looking at who hates them. By that standard, Ms. Marcotte and Ms. McEwan were A-OK. Michelle Malkin and William Donohue are hardly blushing innocents, and the supposed "hate speech" they and others on the far-right fringes clutch their pearls over pales in comparison to the filthy, bigoted trash that dribbles out of their mouths on a daily basis. Being hated by the likes of them should be a badge of honor, not cause to duck your head and beg their pardon.

Like many progressives, I looked forward to Mr. Edwards' campaign, with his emphasis on strengthening labor and fighting poverty chief among the reasons for my support. To find out that this campaign might knuckle under to the manufactured hysteria of a few far-right lunatics is disappointing, and forces me to reconsider my assessment of John Edwards as a candidate that will fight for fair play and social justice.

Please, do not do this. Do not kowtow to the insane rantings of bigots like Malkin and Donohue. Do not let us down.

Fight back. Show the lunatic fringe of the right that you won't kneel to them. Show America your strength.

I hope the reports are wrong. I hope that Edwards understands the message this sends, both to the right and to his potential supporters.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:49:00 PM

 
Oh My Stars, It's Pearl-Clutching Time!

That dreadful rascal John Edwards has bigots on his campagin staff! It's true!

Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, demanded that Edwards fire Amanda Marcotte and Melissa McEwan.

"John Edwards is a decent man who has had his campaign tarnished by two anti-Catholic, vulgar, trash-talking bigots," Donohue wrote in a statement. "He has no choice but to fire them immediately."

Goodness gracious me! He's hired "vulgar, trash-talking bigots"? Oh dear!

In the interest of fairness, let's see what the Edwards campaign and the vulgar bigots had to say for themselves:

The Edwards campaign declined to comment. McEwan and Marcotte did not respond to e-mails requesting a response.

Well, that certainly doesn't look good. Now, what exactly did they say that's so terrible?

Donohue cited posts that the women made on blogs in the past several months in which they criticized the pope and the church for its opposition to homosexuality, abortion and contraception, sometimes using profanity.

The nerve of them! Criticizing the pope and the church for its bigotry and misogyny? HOW DARE THEY??!!! And they SOMETIMES USED PROFANITY!!! Well fuck me if that ain't the most terrible thing I've ever heard.

"The Catholic church is not about to let something like compassion for girls get in the way of using the state as an instrument to force women to bear more tithing Catholics," Marcotte wrote on the blog Pandagon on December 26, in an excerpt cited by Donohue.

Among the McEwan posts that Donohue listed was one she posted on February 21, 2006, on her site, Shakespeare's Sister. She questioned what religious conservatives don't understand about "keeping your noses out of our britches, our beds and our families?"

Fetch me the smelling salts! I feel faint!

Seriously, though - can we trust the word of Bill Donohue? Let's see, by examining some of his earlier public statements:

“Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It’s not a secret, OK? And I’m not afraid to say it.”
– Bill Donohue on opposition to Mel Gibson’s “The Passion” movie, MSNBC’s “Scarborough Country,” 12/08/04

and...

“Some are already commenting that if Alito is confirmed he would be the fifth Catholic on the Supreme Court. For example, the Associated Press ran a story at 7:45 a.m.—before Bush formally announced his choice for the high court—with the headline, ‘Alito Would be the Fifth Catholic Justice on Supreme Court.’ So what? Currently, Jews comprise 22 percent of the Justices, even though they are only 1 percent of the population. Is that a problem?

and...

“First, the cultural fascists banned crèches, and now they want to ban the Christmas tree. All of this is done, perversely, in the name of tolerance and diversity.”
– On the supposed “War on Christmas,” News Release, 12/07/05

And that's just a few. Wow, I sure am glad we've got pure, morally upright and prejudice-free men like Bill Donohue to protect us from those dirty fucking hippies, foul language and uppity women!
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 10:17:00 AM

 
A Statement To The Mayor and Police Of Boston

'Tis the season for statements, so I'll make one too:

As I have previously stated on this blog, I acknowledge that you, the bed-wetting asshats of Boston are the sole bearers of responsibility for your incredibly stupid and chicken-little-ish reaction to the unconventional marketing tactic used to promote a cartoon about a talking milkshake, and suggest that you should apologize to Turner Broadcasting, Peter Berdovsky, Sean Stevens, Interference, Inc. and every single citizen of the greater Boston area, especially the citizens of Boston, Cambridge, and Somerville and the customers of the MBTA, for any hardship they encountered last week. It staggers the imagination that, even in today's post-September 11 environment, any human being could be so idiotic and foolish as to mistake a fucking lite-brite for a bomb. It was in no way reasonable or appropriate for you to react as you did, and insisting that Turner Broadcasting pay for your overreaction is insulting and petulant.

I certainly hope you review your policies regarding lite-brites and other children's toys so that you will not waste millions of dollars in public funds dealing with "armed and dangerous" Transformers, Barbie Malibu Dream House "brothels" or "potentially rabid" My Little Ponies. If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, might I recommend you each have a friend take a firm grasp of your shoulders and pull your head out of your ass? That would go a long way towards preventing a future incident of this nature, which has only served to showcase Boston as the new home of panty-waisted overreaction and bed-wetting chickenshittery.

While the piss-stains on your collective crotches and your panicked reaction has made my job of mocking the self-important and stupid of our fine nation that much easier, your totally unwarranted self-righteous indignation is beginning to grate. If in the future you wish to make another demonstration of your complete lack of common sense, it might be better were you to show that by, say, wearing skid-marked underwear in lieu of a hat and dancing down the street singing "I'm a doody-head" in a cracked falsetto.

If you, the elected officials of Boston, have any difficulty in reading or understanding this, please ask a grownup to read it to you and translate it into one- or two-syllable words.

Thank you.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 6:31:00 AM

 
Cry Me A River, You Fat Old Drag Queen

Pope Wingnut sez the family's UNDER ATTACK OMFG!!!11!!!!

Pope Benedict XVI spoke out amid a debate over plans to legalise civil partnerships in Italy, defending traditional marriage in an address to Catholic worshipper.

"We know very well how the family based on marriage forms the natural setting for the birth and education of children, and is therefore a guarantee of the future of all humanity," the pope said at his Angelus prayers.

A debate is raging in predominantly Catholic, socially conservative, Italy as the government prepares to put forward a bill later this month to grant legal status to unmarried couples regardless of sexual orientation.

Let's savor that for a moment: the celibate head of the world's largest and longest-running criminal racketeering enterprise - an organization that has fought to ensure that millions in Africa and elsewhere die of AIDS by opposing the use of condoms; a misogynistic, homophobic organization that has actively worked to protect serial pedophiles from prosecution - thinks the family is threatened by a government working to ensure that all citizens have the same rights under the law.

Let's see what else the world's richest transvestite had to say...

The traditional family faces "a deep crisis," Benedict said Sunday in his address on Saint Peter's Square where he called for married people, the church and public institutions to "defend, aid, protect and empower" the family.

The nerve of a man that's never been in a normal relationship, sexual or otherwise, a man that's encouraged discrimination against good parents simply on the basis of their supposed sexual partners, a man that has overseen pedophiles being transferred from country to country to keep them out of the hands of the law, the sheer, unmitigated gall of that man having the audacity to try to decide who's fit to be a parent, it's staggering.

He's right that the family needs protecting, but he's wrong about the source of the threat. Pope Ratzi ought to go reread his New Testament: And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 11:58:00 AM

 
More Great Moments In Asshattery - Texas Edition

Those of you in central Texas may recall the big headlines a few months back about the thwarting of a "columbine-style attack" at a local high school. If not, here's what was originally reported:

Thanks to an anonymous tip, police say a Columbine-style plot at McNeil High School was avoided. Monday night, two students are charged with conspiracy to commit capital murder.

Detectives say if carried out, the attack would have been deadly.

...

Since Columbine, we've seen threats made by students, usually ending in charges of terroristic threatening. But these two students are facing charges of conspiracy to commit capital murder, and detectives say they have the physical evidence to back it up.

"I can give you that, there is physical evidence," said Williamson County Sheriff's Detective John Foster.

Investigators say if carried out, it would have been deadly. It could have been a Columbine-style plot at McNeil High School. It was stopped by an anonymous tip that led to the arrest of two students. Both are males under the age of 17.

Many here breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that law enforcement was On The Ball, protecting the citizens.

Since then, more information has come out:

The mother of a teen charged with planning to kill other McNeil High School students says her son was unfairly arrested; meanwhile, the other suspect's case has been resolved.

Claudia Lowe, 43, said her son Walter "Wally" Melcher has been in the Williamson County Juvenile Detention Center since early November, and she wants him released to her custody.

Gee, lady - I don't know, it was a columbine-style attack, after all.

On Nov. 2, Williamson County deputies arrested Melcher and another 16-year-old McNeil student. They were charged with conspiracy to commit capital murder after Round Rock school district officials received a tip that McNeil might be the target of planned violence.

See? There was a tip and everything!

Lowe said her son told her in October that another student was "talking trash about doing something like Columbine." She said they went to McNeil High on Nov. 1 and alerted a vice principal and counselor.

So hold on, they were the anonymous tip? But the evidence! The cops said they have evidence!

Deputies subsequently arrested both boys, Lowe said. She said officers searched her house and confiscated four patio torches, a report her son had written for a history class on Adolf Hitler and a sketchbook containing a drawing of a backpack. Lowe said one officer told her the picture looked like a possible bomb.

Jesus, who did the cops think they were arresting, McGuyver? I'm a pretty creative guy, but even I can't figure out how four tiki torches, an essay and a goddamn DRAWING OF A BACKPACK could kill a whole bunch of people.

Meanwhile, the boy that was actually guilty is livin' free and easy overseas:

In the months since the arrests, the other youth's case was resolved by Williamson County District Judge Mike Jergins, according to Austin attorney Roy Minton, who represented the boy. The boy lives with his family in another country but is still subject to court order, Minton said Wednesday, declining to discuss details because of the boy's age. Authorities have also declined to identify the boy because of his age.

Yeesh! Sounds to me like the DA had to let one kid slip through his fingers and he's bound and determined to make the one he's got pay double.

So, to sum up, we've got: One kid that was talking about killing people, living the high life in Brazil. One kid that tried to do the right thing, held in prison for the last 3 months. Four tiki torches, an essay and a drawing of a backpack of mass destruction. Add it all up and you get... fuck-all in the name of justice.

Oh, well done, Round Rock police department! Well done indeed! You've protected us from the dreaded prospect of DEATH BY TIKI TORCH.

Oh, and here's a little something for the Boston Police Department:


posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 7:51:00 AM

 
Great Moments In Asshattery

Boston has trouble prioritizing.

In nine cities across the country, blinking electronic signs displaying a profane, boxy-looking cartoon character caused barely a stir.

But in Boston, the signs - some with protruding wires - sent a wave of panic across the city, bringing out bomb squads and prompting officials to shut down highways, bridges and part of the Charles River.

Something that may have been amusing in other cities was not funny to authorities here, the city that served as the base for the hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks. Officials defended their reaction Thursday even as two men charged in the case, and some residents, mocked the response as overblown.

Apparently, this looks like a bomb:

Yeah, that's right. A fucking lite-brite screams "BOMB!" to folks in Boston. Never mind that in 90% of the markets these lite-brites were in didn't care at all (including New York City and Washington DC - with more cause than Boston to be twitchy, I would think). Never mind that these lite-brites were up for 2-3 WEEKS before some moron in Boston saw one and pissed his pants in fear at the thought that Osama bin Laden was a fan of the Meatwad and Master Shake.

No, the proper response to this is to scream that it's a bomb hoax and arrest the two hipsters that put the lite-brites up.

Meanwhile, and this is where the asshattery really piles on, some guy planted two fake pipe bombs at a hospital and a bridge, and there have been no arrests, even though the cops have a pretty good idea who did it.

Yep, real (or real-looking) bombs don't make anyone blink at all in Boston, but lite-brites with a goddamn Mooninite giving the finger prompt a full-scale OMFG!!!11!!!! TERRORISTSSS!!!!11!!!!!! panic attack.

Well done, Boston. Way to show us how smart your leaders are.
posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 7:58:00 AM