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Wednesday, April 02, 2008
I Do This For You I saw 10,000 B.C. today. Why do I do things like this? So you won't have to. With the kind I'm going to recap the movie, so you can act all knowledgeable about it when some idiot at work tries to tell you how OMFG AWSUM this movie was. OK, so in 10,000 B.C., there were these White Dudes with Dreadlocks that lived in what looks like western Montana and hunt mammoths. Some hunters find a white girl with dreadlocks and bring her back to the tribe, and their medicine woman, who happens to be Inuit (don't ask) tells them the WDwD that marries her will lead the tribe to a new life. There's some stuff about the dad of the boy that's in love with the girl going away to save the tribe, but it didn't make sense, and my burger arrived about then, so I kind of missed what was said. Anyway, cut forward to when the boy and girl are all grown up and sexy. There's a mammoth hunt, and the boy "claims" (their word) the girl and they're all happy and in love, but then some bad dudes that all have Really Deep Voices ride in on horses(!) with stirrups(!!) and kidnap most of the tribe and kill a few others. Naturally, Hot Chick is taken by the Bad-Ass Guy With A Deep Voice because she's, like, hot. The Hot Guy and the Old Hunter and The Tribal Rival and the Orphan Boy all set out after the rest of the tribe. They go over the snow-covered mountains and then they're in the Amazon(!) and the bad guys are running through the jungle and they get attacked by mutant, 10-foot tall turkeys. Hot Guy frees Hot Chick and they try to run away but they get chased by the Bad Guys and then the Mutant Turkeys attack again and then the Bad Guys steal the Hot Girl and the Orphan Boy and the Tribal Rival and run away. So Hot Guy and Old Hunter (who is wounded, of course) keep following into West Texas, and then Hot Guy falls in a trap and it starts to rain and he frees a Giant sabertooth and climbs out. Then they meet some Masai and the sabertooth tells them to be nice to Hot Guy and then they find out that Hot Guy's Daddy came through there years ago, but got captured by the Bad Guys. Now, what all the Masai were waiting for was a White Guy with Dreadlocks that could talk to cats, because the spirits told them the WGwDTCTtC came, he'd lead them to salvation or some such. This meant they had to call together the brown people, the Really Black People and some Asian People so they could all team up against the Bad Guys, who built pyramids (they knew this, even though No One Ever Returns when the Bad Guys take them away - don't ask). So the United Nations of Cavemen, led (of course) by a White Guy, because even in 10,000 BC, they knew White Guys with Dreadlocks were naturally superior leaders, set out across the Sahara and then they see their friends all sailing away in boats, because the Bad Guys not only have domesticated horses and invented metalworking and stirrups, they've also mastered plank-built shipbuilding and the lateen sail. Hot Guy can't stand this, but he has an idea - he leads the United Nations of Cavemen out across the desert (without water, because he's a White Guy with Dreadlocks, and doesn't need silly things like water). I'll skip the montage of Cavemen Dying Of Thirst In The Desert now. Then we see that the Bad Guys are building the pyramids of Egypt, and they're using mammoths (in the desert - don't ask) and thousands of slaves. Why are they doing this? Because they're working for Gods. Gods who came from across the sea when their land sank. In other words, Atlanteans. Who look like Incas. (yes, I know Peru is on the pacific coast of South America. Don't ask.) Cut through some foofraw about how Hot Guy's Father was a slave but isn't there now and then we get the revolt, where we also find out that Hot Girl has a scar that looks like the constellation of Orion, which makes the Inca-lanteans really scared. So they decide to rip her to pieces, but by that point, the slaves are revolting (ba-domp-BOMP). Blah blah, revolt, mammoths running amok on the pyramids, everyone getting their freedom, killing the Bad Guys and all that, then the Hot Girl gets shot by an arrow and dies. But not really, because the Improbably Inuit Shaman way back in Montana has been using her Psychic Magic Powers to watch what's going on, and dies from the arrow instead so Hot Girl can live. Then the Inca-lanteans are all dead, and the United Nations of Cavemen rejoice, and the Masai give the WGwD some Magic Beans so they don't have to hunt mammoths any more, and there's some Male Bonding for all the warriors from the UNoC (did I mention there's only 3 women that have lines in the movie? Yeah - one's the Hot Girl, one's the IIS and one's the mother of the Orphan Boy, and she only gets to tell him to hide before she gets stabbed by a Bad Guy). Then we see the WGwD come home to Montana, and they live happily ever after and plant some Magic Beans and become farmers, thus saving the Mammoth for future generations to hunt into extinction. It was, as I expected, a sucky movie. Still, I can't completely hate it, because it had all kinds of fun stuff - Mutant Turkeys! Atlantean Pyramid Builders! Mammoths Building Pyramids! Graham Hancock will, I'm sure, have something about mammoths and cavemen helping build the pyramids in his next book. Next up on my Movie List are Iron Man, The Dark Knightand Indiana Jones. I'm sure I'll see something else before those hit the theaters, but they're the ones I'm looking forward to. Overall, I give 10,000 B.C. a C+, because there's just enough seriously-presented loopiness to make it fun to mock. And it's always fun to mock White Guys with Dreadlocks. posted by Adam C. Lipscomb at 2:13:00 PM   | |
